My eyes are tired,

from being fired

I long to see your face,

full of love and grace

you seemed to be so carin',

without any flaw and flarin'

I loved stealing a gaze,

to look at you in amaze

a peculiar brightness to be seen,

the perfect face I mean

with the arrant features,

like no other creature

a look at you took me into trance,

with no other man, I had such romance.

He Says

I wanna talk to him but I don't wanna talk unless he replies to my questions. There are so
many of them, left unanswered.
He's being so strange suddenly, sometimes soft sometimes  hard - on me and himself as
well. He says, he was always this way but I know he wasn't. He says he cares, but I
never see him care. He says he loves me, but I never feel his love. He says he'll try but I
never witness him trying. He says he's always with me but when I am low and I need
someone to talk to, he's never around. He says he doesn't mind me talking to other guys
but when I do, he gets angry. He says I fight with him but its always me who tries to
massage his ego. He says I am immature but he's the one who wants to be taken care of
like a child. He says he always speaks the truth but there were times when he lied. He
says who else will he share everything with but I see him sharing his life with others
more than with me. He says he never forces me but all I ever experience is doing things
forcibly. He says he understand and he'll never do it again but "again" doesn't seem to
mean anything to him. He says he's interested in my life but when I think about it, am sure
he knows nothing about the on-goings in my life. He says he wants us to be together but
he drifts himself apart. He says he feels like talking but it's always me who initiates.
He says I don't understand him but I do.


And
He says he knows me but does he not know what I am going through ?

He says so much that now am unable to believe him. Only because all he ever does is
SAY.

The Banyan Tree

Everyday, every few hours, I heard a new story – a story of love, sorrow, deception, hatred, life, marriage, divorce, lust, etc. Mostly, they were the sad ones, by people who had the violent urge to narrate their stories, their feelings, and their expectations. It gave me immense happiness, to know I was offering to them more than I had to offer. They took shelter in me, in my silence to utter their own words.

Their stories shouted, with grave silence, narrations of the sufferings they had gone through. Their tears washed away with them the pain their little heart beheld. And I heard with patience.

They would sit down in front of me, peacefully and carry on with their work – eating, resting, and other petty things to do and narrate their tales. They touched the roots of my heart, their tales.

Sad ones were many, mostly rather. People loved to grieve, I used to wonder. Until, one day, I heard a tale of a young girl. She told the story with such innocence that I doubt she understood the immensity of love her story possessed.

She came towards me, walking with slow steps, looking at the ground and sat beside me. After being quiet and playing with the mud for sometime, she broke the silence. She said, “But why? Why should father do that? Maybe I shouldn’t complain so much. He has too much to do and worry about already. Hmm. Oh, I can ask big brother to get it for me. But only father can provide the money. But it’s sad. I want it. It was so beautiful and everyone in class will have it soon. I want it before they do. But again, father stays so tense all the time. He scolds me too, for no reason sometimes. You know Bannu, I cry in nights because father shouts at me. He even hits me at times. But I know he does that only because he’s upset and my acts hurt him more. He stays worried; the frown lines are always visible on his forehead. He has a lot of work to do and a lot many things to take care of. I am also a kid though, I too get hurt. Its okay, I guess. I know father loves me the most, more than big brother too.”

She started playing with her hair.

After few minutes, she continued again, “or, I can ask Reena aunt to give me some work and in return, I’ll ask her to buy that beautiful Barbie doll to me. That way, papa won’t have to spend a lot of money on me and he wouldn’t have to worry. He works so hard and if I get the Barbie myself, he’ll be happy. And in the next grade, 5^th , I’ll have the best one with me.”

She got up, smiled cheerfully and hugged me. And went back happily jumping on her toes.

The purity in her eyes and her love for her father, made me realize that in this world of sorrows where people only like to share their pain, there are innocent ones like her who unknowingly spread happiness around.

Who am I? I am Bannu, the Banyan Tree.

Assumption Game

One fine evening, he decided to take a walk on the beach. It had been a week since he came to this place, this new city, a new neighbourhood, new people but old him. Raghav had decided to finally move to another city and try his luck there in the corporate world.
On the beach, he let his mind run.
He had kept first few weeks to explore the place, explore himself in that new city. He had left a lot of things behind - his former job, family, friends, acquaintances and most importantly Tanya.
Tanya was his love, a girl whom he saw as his soulmate. But something had caused him to leave her, he didn't know what. He had been reluctant about a lot of things - his growing feelings for her, her importance in his life and the very fact that he never dared to confess his feelings towards her. They had been great friends, for the last 5 years, but lately, things had been different, difficult. He was trying to figure out what was wrong with him, why he felt so special about her. He was in huge dilemma and there were times when T used to ask him what was wrong but he himself didnt know what to asnwer so he always nodded his head and told her that everything was fine. But everything was NOT fine. they were drifting apart. He felt that. He knew that.
What he did not know was whether she felt the same way ?


Had T also noticed their drift ? But if she did, why did she never try and stop me ? If she really felt there was something special between us, why didn't she ever say anything ? Why was she always very normal around me, talking about her other guy friends ? Did she not feel what I felt ? Did she never see me burning with jealousy when she talked about that guy from her office ? Or about the guy she met at the bar ? She never cared as to how I felt. She was always indifferent about my feelings. She always thought of me as a playboy and that's why she never thought of me as a special one. I should have told her how I felt before leaving but I guess it's fine. If she feels like talking, she'll call.


On the other side -

Tanya was sitting in her balcony, staring at the cars passing by and wondering what went wrong. She had met R at Eminem's concert and they had clicked right away. Something about him made her feel so comfortable about everything. She could talk to him about anything and everything. He was one guy who truly cared for her, who loved to make her smile, who understood her. But something had been off lately. He had suddenly decided to move, out of the city, out of her life. For last one year, she had felt special about him, like she knew it was him she wanted to spend rest of her life with. She used to tell him stories about her other guy friends only to get a hint of jealousy on his face which would have given her an insight of his feelings. They were amazing together. But what caused him to move, she didn't understand. She had tried asking him several times but he never gave away anything. He was quiet all the while. Quiet as much as that, that he didn't even ask her before deciding to just walk away and abandon her. She went numb, the moment she got to know about his decision. She didn't know what to say to him or to anyone else.


How could he do this to me ? How can he just leave without giving an explanation ? Did he not see the tears in my eyes that begged him to stop ? But how could he not, he understood me so well ? Did he not feel even a slightest thing for me ? But he was so amazing, its so unusual for someone to not notice what special we shared. So long years, and he just went away, just like that ? He knew me so well but he could never make out what I felt for him ? I always teased him to be a playboy but he knew I thought of him as a GREAT guy, because I knew him inside out. But he still went away. Maybe he never cared as to how I felt. He was always indifferent about my feelings. He always thought of me as a any other girl and that's why he never thought of me as a special one. I should have told him how I felt before he left but I guess it's fine. If he feels like talking, he'll call.




And the Assumption Game had begun.

Sadistic Pleasure

Katie was confused, hell confused about her life. Love life, to be precise. She had been single for long and now she wanted, rather didn’t mind getting into a relationship so her emotions had been taking a toll on her lately.

She already had a guy in her life, whom she thought she liked. She was sure that she didn’t love him but she knew that she did have feelings for him because she hadn’t done things close to what all she did for that guy, to keep him happy. But she wasn’t sure of him for he was the “popular” one, the one who very well knew how to play his cards right with girls. She wanted him to take time to get to know her, get to understand her and vice versa but things seemed to be going from bad to worse. She wasn’t accepting the fact that the guy wasn’t right for her but deep down, she knew he wasn’t.  She knew the consequences she would have to face but still she kept going on.

When she thought about it, she realized that she was now in a habit to learn things the hard way. She found some sadistic pleasure in what all she was putting herself through. She knew if she fell real bad, she’ll get up but with new spirits and will never fall with the same mistake again. But for that to happen, she wanted to make sure that the mistake had to be big and cruel before it made her fall.

So having an absurd way to make herself strong, she was putting herself through the unnecessary pain and troubles. What she could never understand was why she was doing all this? She knew, in a way, that she was only making things difficult for herself and that she was just hurting herself even more but she chose to stick to it. Her past made her certain that she needed to make herself strong beyond any possibility of getting hurt from anyone and regarding anything. She would talk to the guy who would hurt her again and again, act like she was happy, would pamper him even when she felt the urge to tell him to leave her alone but she would just continue.

She would indifferently ignore the guy who would treat her right, merely because she couldn’t get herself to believe that someone would actually like her and would want to make her happy. She had fallen way many a times to give herself any importance in anyone’s life.

She was so used to not being pampered, not being taken care of that now she hardly cared if anyone did. And if anyone did do it, she would think it’s just for a matter of time because eventually they would stop. She felt the care and love was transient.

Not quite understanding why she expected way too much out of anybody, the thing which kept pushing her was the fact that she knew no one would ever be able to reach up to those high standards and so she only blamed herself and no one else for setting such high standards. But eventually, she was making it difficult for others to reach her.

She was confused, anguished, insecure, scared and messed up.

Well, so am ii !

Why would anyone, despite knowing the outcomes, would do this to themselves? If someone was unintentionally hurting themselves, it’s still understandable. But what Katie was doing to herself, is just plain confusing and weird.

Am insanely obscure about the necessity to do this to ourselves when we have a beautiful life, comprising of loving friends and family. If you have any possible answer or explanation as to why Katie does that to herself, feel free to suggest.

Because when words fail, music speaks

At times, words fail to explain what we want to say - to ourselves as and to others.  At those times, it's music that speaks, loud and clear.

My emotions and thoughts are trapped in a whirlpool at the moment. So there are a few songs, and not just one, that might explain what enigma my mind is facing.

At different time of day, these songs make me play them again and again on my player.

So here goes -

In the morning, when ii travel .. these are the songs ii end up listening to again and again.

I Got You (by) Leona Lewis

Say Goodbye (by) Chris Brown

You Don't Love Me (by) Rihanna

And when my mood swing, by the time it's noon  -

What The Hell (by) Avril Lavigne

Right There (by) Nicole Scherzinger

What's My Name (by) Rihanna

Then in the evening, this takes place - 

Space Bound (by) Eminem

Need You Now (by) Lady Antebellum

Ride It (by) Jay Sean

So these are the songs ii end up listening to often these days. Confused much :/

A Tiring Night

She wakes up, startled by the alarm. Rubbing the sleepy eyes with back of her hand, she crawls out of the bed, walks to the window and stares at the secluded tree.  Weather’s pleasant, she notices. Admiring how the leaves, the flowers are enjoying and living in the moment, forgetting about the harsh sun, dancing with joy welcoming the spring, she concentrates on the leaves swinging side by side. And then, she gets a flashback of last night.

It was tough, last night.  She had a headache, was sleep deprived but all that seemed secondary. Primarily, she was supposed to humor a friend, who had a bad mood swing and he was full of anger. And the anger was for no one other than her. She brushes the thoughts away instantly, pivots around and walks to her washroom. After taking a shower, she goes to her kitchen, looks around wondering what she should eat in breakfast but settles for a cup of strong cold coffee. She makes herself a coffee and her heart smiles at the sweet scent of caffeine. She decides to spend some time thinking what happened last night over the cup of coffee. And so, she goes in her balcony, settles on the floor comfortably and takes the first sip. That is when she realises last night was indeed tough because among all those secondary issues, empty stomach was another one. But carrying on with the coffee, she starts to brush up her memory. What had happened last night ?

It started off good, with them talking casually about random stuff like they always did. And then suddenly he got irritated, because of an answer she gave which she got to know of later. He had asked, “say, did yew miss me all day ?” and she had replied, “yew know what am gonna say.”  Well o’course he knew, she had said the same thing hundreds of times, only because he had asked hundred times. She hated disappointing people but furthermore, she hated lying. She couldn’t get herself to say the truth that she hadn’t and also, she had no intentions of lying to him and say that she did. And that’s how she’s always been with everyone. But he got irritated, hating that he wasn’t being answered straight and also sort of despising the way she treated him. He wasn’t used to being treated anything close to normal especially by the person he was treating specially. But she didn’t seem to be perturbed by that for she was used to being treated special, not because she was beautiful or rich or anything, but she was a very sweet person. She was exactly what her friends wanted her to be, though to some extent. She was the saint and the sinner at the time. One moment, she was rude saying all the callous things and the very next moment, she said cute things making the person feel comforted. But that’s how she was. She was sweet, because she couldn’t see her friends being upset but also she was a no-nonsense person so putting up with the mushy-mushy stuff & flirting wasn’t a long term thing for her. And the very fact, that she was very straight forward helped her escape the guilt of not being herself with the friend.

Her thoughts are evaded by a beep. A text message, but she ignores. So, her friend was mad all the time, almost on the verge of abusing her but it was all very amusing for her. She was being shouted at, for being the person she was. Ask her serious questions, she’ll give straight and sorted answers but ask her if she misses yew, if she loves yew, if she cares about yew et al, wasn’t really her thing. And it was funny, because she had simply been his friend for around 2-3 months. When she makes any new friend, she usually spends 5-6 months pampering them till the time she realises she can’t take anymore. She gets to her no-nonsensical form & the person accuses her of changing. And she feels like snapping at them saying, “People never change, yew just get to know them better. You saw my sweet side, now meet the real me”. Most of the times, people prefer to leave her alone once they get acquainted to her other side. But that wasn’t the problem with him.

It took her time to get there but with him, she didn’t take more than 4-5 days to be her true self, flashing off her no-nonsensical side. Perhaps because she was aware that the guy is already pampered much and pampering him anymore won’t be much fun. She didn’t think all of that; the way she was with him came to her naturally. And there she was, last night, laughing at him yet again trying to make him feel better and chuck all the anger. For the first time with him, she had put her thoughts in words. In order to explain him, she told him very openly that she felt he was judgemental and immature. She was very well aware of the fact how others treat him but she didn’t feel he was worth all that. He was nice, no doubt, but being coddled like that, he wasn’t that big a thing. So she ended up telling him what exactly he didn’t wanna listen but getting straight answers from her seemed to make him content.

So that was all she told him last night. That she wanted him to be himself, be true to her. The only reason she didn’t say all that before was because she knew he was so desperate to be in her good books, like he was desperate for being in everyone else’s, that he was willing to change himself. But changing someone is the last thing she’d ever want from anyone. She wanted to accept him, and all her friends as for that matter, the way he truly was.

All of that seemed to lighten his mood. Now what she wasn’t sure of was why was she being like this with him from such an early point? By that time, her coffee has almost finished and she decides to leave that thought at that and let time play its role. She’ll have her answers in some time, which she’s sure of. So getting up, thinking that last night must have been tiring but it gave her a chance to be proud of whom she was.  Wearing a smile on her face, she walks back in her house, looks around and suddenly starts processing all the chores she needs to get done with during that day. And her day finally begins.