F.I.N.E

Every moment you look at me

I fake a smile so you won't see

It's only in you, for the part

You’re the only one who can break my heart

I found the truth in your eyes

Then I found out it was just a lie

In you I had found a reason to repair

A broken part of me, of which you seemed to care

In a swift moment the reason was gone

All the hope was mercilessly torn

I remember that moment, that time and place

Trying to picture your lovely gentle face

Holding your face, I think about that last kiss  

I had a feeling which maybe I miss

It's been a while since you went away

I still remember that very day

I wish we could go back to how it was

Writing each other letters, "Just Because"

But then the things you said cross my mind

And how easily you made me blind

Just one word, that you never ‘wanted’

Its all on you where we’ve landed

God knows that I tried

But with that one word, every part of me cried

My whole body sank to ground

And my whole world was dead, all around

I started doubting myself

And everything that had happened with us, it wasn’t all by itself

There’s still not a lot that I can think, maybe nothing has sank

I go out of words, totally blank

There’s only so many ways you can express your feeling

I was never good at it, I am always reeling

Within me there’s a riot

So out of all the things, I choose to stay quiet.

shock. numb. wait. pain - You can't escape it

Some things in life, you can’t escape. Life is tough. People come and people go. Very few stay. Those who leave either affect us or they don’t. The ones, who do affect us, leave a long period of moaning behind them, for us to walk through.

You spend days, nights, hours, weeks, months wondering what went wrong. With you or with them. They leave you, and in an instance everything falls apart. Just one moment. One second. In that one second, you get a shock. Shock so unexpected, you feel numb. No thoughts come to your mind. Brain stops working, it doesn’t tell you how to react. So you don’t react. You wait, wait for your brain to give some message, some direction to react, but nothing happens. You try to instruct your eyes to shed some tears. But again, nothing. Numbness grips every cell in your body. You just wait and try to live your life. Days pass, you’re still numb. And you just wait.

And then one day, after weeks or months of waiting, numbness loosens its grip. That is when pain takes over. Excruciating pain.  That is when everything comes back, every single thing that shocked you, comes back to haunt you bringing with itself so much pain that every bone in your body feels it. Your brain feels it. And again, you wait for your brain to help you deal with the pain. But it doesn’t help, because brain’s itself in pain. And so, your heart is in pain. And then your stomach. And slowly, every single part of your body. Eyes start to feel it too. Then they shed tears.

Your mind is screwed up. It needs someone to comfort it, love it, to remove its anger on, to abuse and every possible thing. You try everything. But nothing helps. Nothing will.

You can’t escape it. Any part of it. You can try, do anything to skip the pain part, but nothing will help. You just can’t escape it. Because what made you numb affected you SO much. When someone gives up on you easily, specially when you've tried read hard to not give up on them. That affects you real bad. Nothing will be like before, it’ll either be better or worse. You can only hope it goes the former way.