the Devil in me

Every coin has two sides. And this is the devil side of me.
A side that every one has but no one has the guts to accept. A sin, no one wants to take responsibility for.

If I ever write my own story, it'll start like this -
"Once upon a time, a girl found out that she turned out to be a wrong person"

There possibly might not be anything that's good about me. I'm selfish, and yes I never deny that fact.
I'm arrogant. You can't just piss me off and expect me to treat you like honeycomb.
My modesty is overshadowed by my facial expressions that usually suggest that I'm showing attitude towards you.
Well honestly, your face isn't exactly what I wish to see for long. So don't be surprised if I choose to look at the ground or anywhere else in the air while talking to you.
I'm not here to please you, so don't even get the vague idea that I'm trying to impress you by bragging or lying about anything.
I'm an adult lady. Yes I get horny. And I don't make efforts to hide it or cover it. No one is a kid here and hypocrisy is not my thing.
I care about anyone and everyone, only because of the values instilled in me by my parents, not because you are very dear to me.
I am a woman of words. Unless I say anything out loud, I don't mean it. So don't even dare to think I love you if I have never said it. Chances are, I'll never say it too.
I might talk to you day and night, but no, I won't end up feeling for you. If I can not feel for you after talking so much, then you can also do the same.
Yes, a lot of guys have asked me out. They might want me for all the good or the bad reasons. But hey, there are no bad reasons. So they want me for my body. That's something to be proud of, not ashamed of. Just because they want it, doesn't mean they get it.
After all, talking to every other guy or lusting over them doesn't make a girl a whore, sleeping with everyone does.
For those who love me for my mind, very frankly, I don't get it. You people don't know me. You cannot know a person in a few months. You cannot take the worst of me. What makes you think that you love me for my mind?
Nevertheless, I still respect your feelings. It's not easy to feel for someone and to reason with it, so I won't ask for reasons. So thank you for giving a piece your heart and mind to me.
But don't get so worked up that I've had a lot of guys to ask me out and never say yes. I don't say a yes not because I'm very proud or anything, I don't say a yes because I don't feel for you, simple as that. And it won't be fair on my part if I know that you feel for me but I don't and still decide to go out with you.
I do fantasize. I do wanna smash a girl's head only because she irritates me with her high pitched voice. I do wanna spill food on a better dressed girl because she gets to look hotter than I do. I am jealous of pretty girls. Or girls without acne, with perfect hair.
I am egoistic. Very. You cannot target my self respect and expect me to not react.
My self respect is above any of you.

I might be the most arrogant bitch in the whole world, but I'm not a liar. Whatever I am, I accept.
Honesty goes a long way with me. Be a liar, be arrogant, be a pervert. But if you're honest, you are still tolerable.

Hate me all you want. And fathom the immensity of fuck I do not give.

- Girl you 'should' be afraid your parents will meet.

Can't Sleep It Off :|

Selfish.

Mean.

Liar.

Think only about yourself.

Pretend.

Few words you would never expect to hear from a few people. But when you do, everything seems to fall apart.

Anger subsides, you get over the sadness, but when you get hurt and hurt that bad, it’s not at all easy to push it at the back of your mind, let alone forget about it or not think of it.

And even after all this; you still can’t get yourself to hate those people. You can’t even think ill of them. You start thinking that they might be as miserable as you are, they might also be going through hell thinking what all you might have said. As a result you start doubting yourself and your self respect takes a downtrip to hell.

Have you spent crying yourself to sleep because of me? Have you blamed yourself over and over again? Have you thought of anything about how miserable I am? Have you thought how am coping with my problems all alone because you asked me to deal with them myself? I guess not.

Then you start to think that even if you said the bad things, you did apologize and they were nowhere near to what you got to hear in return. Also, even if you did say equally bad things, you did apologize. But the apology never came from the other side. Had it come, you wouldn’t have missed if even if it was not genuine, because in between all the crap, you were just looking out for one apology to make yourself believe that you’re not making a complete fool out of you.

Everything was so much easier when you didn’t want anyone by your side, you didn’t want anybody to hug you and stay with you while you cried thinking about your fears or insecurities.

Maybe it should stay that way – without the willingness to share anything with anybody or get anyone’s hug.

Life is cruel at times, after all.

The Banyan Tree

Everyday, every few hours, I heard a new story – a story of love, sorrow, deception, hatred, life, marriage, divorce, lust, etc. Mostly, they were the sad ones, by people who had the violent urge to narrate their stories, their feelings, and their expectations. It gave me immense happiness, to know I was offering to them more than I had to offer. They took shelter in me, in my silence to utter their own words.

Their stories shouted, with grave silence, narrations of the sufferings they had gone through. Their tears washed away with them the pain their little heart beheld. And I heard with patience.

They would sit down in front of me, peacefully and carry on with their work – eating, resting, and other petty things to do and narrate their tales. They touched the roots of my heart, their tales.

Sad ones were many, mostly rather. People loved to grieve, I used to wonder. Until, one day, I heard a tale of a young girl. She told the story with such innocence that I doubt she understood the immensity of love her story possessed.

She came towards me, walking with slow steps, looking at the ground and sat beside me. After being quiet and playing with the mud for sometime, she broke the silence. She said, “But why? Why should father do that? Maybe I shouldn’t complain so much. He has too much to do and worry about already. Hmm. Oh, I can ask big brother to get it for me. But only father can provide the money. But it’s sad. I want it. It was so beautiful and everyone in class will have it soon. I want it before they do. But again, father stays so tense all the time. He scolds me too, for no reason sometimes. You know Bannu, I cry in nights because father shouts at me. He even hits me at times. But I know he does that only because he’s upset and my acts hurt him more. He stays worried; the frown lines are always visible on his forehead. He has a lot of work to do and a lot many things to take care of. I am also a kid though, I too get hurt. Its okay, I guess. I know father loves me the most, more than big brother too.”

She started playing with her hair.

After few minutes, she continued again, “or, I can ask Reena aunt to give me some work and in return, I’ll ask her to buy that beautiful Barbie doll to me. That way, papa won’t have to spend a lot of money on me and he wouldn’t have to worry. He works so hard and if I get the Barbie myself, he’ll be happy. And in the next grade, 5^th , I’ll have the best one with me.”

She got up, smiled cheerfully and hugged me. And went back happily jumping on her toes.

The purity in her eyes and her love for her father, made me realize that in this world of sorrows where people only like to share their pain, there are innocent ones like her who unknowingly spread happiness around.

Who am I? I am Bannu, the Banyan Tree.

~ The day her heart changed ~

        

She was in high spirits to be giving the last exam of her high school. Little did she know that her spirits would die soon. She walked out of the gates, found her friends joking around. Surroundings were noisy, everyone busy deciding where they should party. And then she remembered. She had to confirm some news she had heard recently. Scrounging in crowd, she finally spotted her batch mate. With all the courage she could gather, she walked up to him, carefully chose her words and said, “I heard your brother isn’t well. Is everything all alright?” He could sense the tension lingering in the air but he instantly replied, “He’s good”.  That was when she knew she had to say it, so taking another deep breath she rephrased, “Is he  ...umm... suffering from  ...” and he knew what she was talking about. With her question hanging incompletely, he answered, “yes. But how do you know?”

She only heard him say ‘yes’ and rest of his words disappeared in thin air. Her mind went numb. She didn’t know what to say, how to react – to him, to her own self, to the situation. She just turned around and started walking. And before she knew, she was crossing her friends without hearing their continuous calls and in some time, she was home.  She rang the bell and her mother answered the door. There must have been something her mother had seen on her face that she didn’t say a word. She quietly went her room where she sat on her bed, staring blankly in air. She didn’t look up when her mother came to sit beside her.

Her mother wasn’t expecting her anytime soon, since she knew it was the last exam and it was positive that she would go out with her friends but there she was; her face looked scared. She put her arm around her daughter and her daughter suddenly cuddled in her arms and started crying. In between the loud sobs, she heard her say, “Kunal has blood cancer”.  And she said no more for she knew nothing could help her daughter other than crying. So, she let her do so.

Kunal was her senior. She became a good friend of his in a very short period of time. He was the sweetest guy she had ever seen, with a caring heart like no other. They became friends on a random day and had talked often since then. He had proposed to her but she never thought of him as more than a friend so they remained friends. But ever since he had proposed her, she started to feel a little bugged with his flirting and mostly because she knew she was hurting him every moment she talked to him. She knew it was difficult for him but she couldn’t do anything. She got irritated and often she ended up being rude to him; without any intention to do so. And that was why she was crying.

All day and the night that followed, she sat in her dark room and cried. She was angry with God for what he did to him. He didn’t deserve all that and on top of it, why had He made her go through all that. Knowing that she had hurt a dying heart killed her too. More than God, she was angry with herself.

The only time she had stopped crying was when her father entered her room. In a chat for less than few minutes, because also he knew nothing could help her, he told her to be strong and face the reality. He asked her to make best of the opportunity; now at least she knew the truth and she could, as a minimum, try to make upto him. Then he walked out, leaving her alone to deal with the situation.

She was angry, scared, sad, wounded and helpless at the same time. She cried herself to sleep and when she woke up next morning, she found Kunal waiting for her in the drawing room. She couldn’t gather the courage to face him but she had to. She had decided last night that she would be strong and she would do anything to keep him happy now. Her heart still aching, she pulled herself out of the bed, washed her face and sat in front of him. For a few minutes, there was deafening silence in the room. He was the one to speak, “how are you?” She couldn’t believe her ears; the guy who was suffering from a terminal disease is asking her how she was? She felt a lump in her throat and all she could do was to nod at his question. Another period of silence. And then, he finally talked.

“Please, don’t cry. I have come to terms in dealing with it and I don’t know how you got to know but I am glad I don’t have to hide it from you anymore. It’s saddening, I agree, but nothing can be done. Am living happily and that’s what I want from you to. I want you to be happy and cheerful like you always are. Don’t let this affect you in any way because I know you’ll always be with me, even when am irritating. And I want nothing more.” She sighed at that. She stood up and went to sit beside him. And for the first time she looked straight in his eyes. She could see fear in his eyes - fear of death, fear of losing his friends, fear of losing his family. She just sat there, staring at him for she had no words to say. So he continued, “Don’t worry. I am going through treatment and hopefully I’ll be fine one day. I want to stay happy and not waste any moment being sad so please, cheer up. Let’s not talk about this ever again and lead our lives normally.”

After sitting with her for few more hours, he left. She felt little better for all the things he had said but she still couldn’t believe; how can God create such a guy with a pure heart like that and not let him live? But like he said, nothing can be done. Accepting the harsh reality, she decided it was time she got up and continued with her life because that was the best she could do. From then on, she made sure that she told people how good they were, how lucky she was to have them in her life, and how lucky they were to have a good life. And from that very day, her view had changed.

# Love the way it hurts. #

Here comes the feeling again, the flavor of evacuation

I went online, came across your profile & that was my provocation

Sipping the coffee from my mug,

ii travel back the road where my thoughts are dug

It was all so good, all so   fine,

until you came back, claiming ii was still your spine

For sometime ii was reluctant, to hear your voice,

ii was afraid to get hurt again but you left me no choice

 Hearing you say my name, my N.I.C.K, ii melt 

even when you say you went through the same pain, and how you dealt,

I feel anger arousing, because my pain was acute and ii am certain, yours was not any close

but your stubborness insisted thats the lie ii chose
Going through everything was hard for me, but ii 

survived,

it might have forced me to change, but atleast ii never lied

In my own tears ii drowned,

no matter how much ii shout, only silence is the thing with which am crowned

When ii think of you and me today,

ii wonder there never was 'us' (♥), never meant to be, never that way

I feel that change in me pulls back,

to move ahead and let anyone else shrink that crack

You were my friend, my guardian, my everything ..you were the one ii trusted,

& now even though ii try, try hard, to mend and get back on crust
I agree you are a  FRIEND ii could never replace,
ii could never let anyone occupy your space

But now when you back in my life, after hurting me that big,

even though you apologise, it has no effect, not even worth a twig

I accept the fact that ii will never be able to have faith in anyone like ii had in you,

but things can never be like before, not even if ii make an attempt, not even if another chance ii give myself over you

I hope straightening out my mind gets any faster,

it's the dilemma that has me surrounded, but ii am my own thought's master

I choose to live with it, with the mess, live alone,

unless someone comes around who could hit me with his ♥ harder than the stone.

    

♥♥

Yea, ii admit : ii miss YOU, ii miss US, 

but ii can't think about those things anymore. 

ii gotta move on because this, 

this is 

P.O.I.N.T.L.E.S.S

:)

You are definitely the REASON ii am this way.