He Says

I wanna talk to him but I don't wanna talk unless he replies to my questions. There are so
many of them, left unanswered.
He's being so strange suddenly, sometimes soft sometimes  hard - on me and himself as
well. He says, he was always this way but I know he wasn't. He says he cares, but I
never see him care. He says he loves me, but I never feel his love. He says he'll try but I
never witness him trying. He says he's always with me but when I am low and I need
someone to talk to, he's never around. He says he doesn't mind me talking to other guys
but when I do, he gets angry. He says I fight with him but its always me who tries to
massage his ego. He says I am immature but he's the one who wants to be taken care of
like a child. He says he always speaks the truth but there were times when he lied. He
says who else will he share everything with but I see him sharing his life with others
more than with me. He says he never forces me but all I ever experience is doing things
forcibly. He says he understand and he'll never do it again but "again" doesn't seem to
mean anything to him. He says he's interested in my life but when I think about it, am sure
he knows nothing about the on-goings in my life. He says he wants us to be together but
he drifts himself apart. He says he feels like talking but it's always me who initiates.
He says I don't understand him but I do.


And
He says he knows me but does he not know what I am going through ?

He says so much that now am unable to believe him. Only because all he ever does is
SAY.

A Tiring Night

She wakes up, startled by the alarm. Rubbing the sleepy eyes with back of her hand, she crawls out of the bed, walks to the window and stares at the secluded tree.  Weather’s pleasant, she notices. Admiring how the leaves, the flowers are enjoying and living in the moment, forgetting about the harsh sun, dancing with joy welcoming the spring, she concentrates on the leaves swinging side by side. And then, she gets a flashback of last night.

It was tough, last night.  She had a headache, was sleep deprived but all that seemed secondary. Primarily, she was supposed to humor a friend, who had a bad mood swing and he was full of anger. And the anger was for no one other than her. She brushes the thoughts away instantly, pivots around and walks to her washroom. After taking a shower, she goes to her kitchen, looks around wondering what she should eat in breakfast but settles for a cup of strong cold coffee. She makes herself a coffee and her heart smiles at the sweet scent of caffeine. She decides to spend some time thinking what happened last night over the cup of coffee. And so, she goes in her balcony, settles on the floor comfortably and takes the first sip. That is when she realises last night was indeed tough because among all those secondary issues, empty stomach was another one. But carrying on with the coffee, she starts to brush up her memory. What had happened last night ?

It started off good, with them talking casually about random stuff like they always did. And then suddenly he got irritated, because of an answer she gave which she got to know of later. He had asked, “say, did yew miss me all day ?” and she had replied, “yew know what am gonna say.”  Well o’course he knew, she had said the same thing hundreds of times, only because he had asked hundred times. She hated disappointing people but furthermore, she hated lying. She couldn’t get herself to say the truth that she hadn’t and also, she had no intentions of lying to him and say that she did. And that’s how she’s always been with everyone. But he got irritated, hating that he wasn’t being answered straight and also sort of despising the way she treated him. He wasn’t used to being treated anything close to normal especially by the person he was treating specially. But she didn’t seem to be perturbed by that for she was used to being treated special, not because she was beautiful or rich or anything, but she was a very sweet person. She was exactly what her friends wanted her to be, though to some extent. She was the saint and the sinner at the time. One moment, she was rude saying all the callous things and the very next moment, she said cute things making the person feel comforted. But that’s how she was. She was sweet, because she couldn’t see her friends being upset but also she was a no-nonsense person so putting up with the mushy-mushy stuff & flirting wasn’t a long term thing for her. And the very fact, that she was very straight forward helped her escape the guilt of not being herself with the friend.

Her thoughts are evaded by a beep. A text message, but she ignores. So, her friend was mad all the time, almost on the verge of abusing her but it was all very amusing for her. She was being shouted at, for being the person she was. Ask her serious questions, she’ll give straight and sorted answers but ask her if she misses yew, if she loves yew, if she cares about yew et al, wasn’t really her thing. And it was funny, because she had simply been his friend for around 2-3 months. When she makes any new friend, she usually spends 5-6 months pampering them till the time she realises she can’t take anymore. She gets to her no-nonsensical form & the person accuses her of changing. And she feels like snapping at them saying, “People never change, yew just get to know them better. You saw my sweet side, now meet the real me”. Most of the times, people prefer to leave her alone once they get acquainted to her other side. But that wasn’t the problem with him.

It took her time to get there but with him, she didn’t take more than 4-5 days to be her true self, flashing off her no-nonsensical side. Perhaps because she was aware that the guy is already pampered much and pampering him anymore won’t be much fun. She didn’t think all of that; the way she was with him came to her naturally. And there she was, last night, laughing at him yet again trying to make him feel better and chuck all the anger. For the first time with him, she had put her thoughts in words. In order to explain him, she told him very openly that she felt he was judgemental and immature. She was very well aware of the fact how others treat him but she didn’t feel he was worth all that. He was nice, no doubt, but being coddled like that, he wasn’t that big a thing. So she ended up telling him what exactly he didn’t wanna listen but getting straight answers from her seemed to make him content.

So that was all she told him last night. That she wanted him to be himself, be true to her. The only reason she didn’t say all that before was because she knew he was so desperate to be in her good books, like he was desperate for being in everyone else’s, that he was willing to change himself. But changing someone is the last thing she’d ever want from anyone. She wanted to accept him, and all her friends as for that matter, the way he truly was.

All of that seemed to lighten his mood. Now what she wasn’t sure of was why was she being like this with him from such an early point? By that time, her coffee has almost finished and she decides to leave that thought at that and let time play its role. She’ll have her answers in some time, which she’s sure of. So getting up, thinking that last night must have been tiring but it gave her a chance to be proud of whom she was.  Wearing a smile on her face, she walks back in her house, looks around and suddenly starts processing all the chores she needs to get done with during that day. And her day finally begins.

They parted, only, to never meet again.

Her phone rang. “I’ll be there in 10”, said the guy from the other side of the line. She kept the phone down, smiled to herself and started staring at the clock. Every second seemed like an hour for her. She felt like she was gonna meet him for the first time. A new HIM. A new HER. It was over the phone only, a few weeks back, when he said he loved her. It came as a surprise to her because she had never felt for him that way. He was just a friend to her, a good one. But she had taken it well. She had been told by people who knew her well that they were perfect for each other. They were “made for each other” material but she always took it as a joke until ofcourse he confessed. Surprisingly she didn’t think much of it, like how she’ll react, how she’ll behave around him et al. She was simply going with the flow. But she was glad to know that there was someone for her now, someone she knew she could count on whenever needed, someone who’ll not only cry for her but would cry with her. Having the secured feelings, she was on cloud nine. She was meeting him for the first time, after he had confessed.

 She recalled all texts that had been in her inbox, saying crap like ‘yew do this, so yew love him. Yew do that, so he loves yew’ which she had overlooked, now, made her smile. She remembered the times when they laughed together, cried together, fought with each other, tried to make up, times when they were happy. All the moments jogged in her mind, chasing each other playfully. She had lost track of time. And then, the doorbell rang. She ran towards the door and while unlocking it, her nostrils got filled with the cologne he wore. She loved his cologne, she realised. Letting him in, she got a little uncomfortable. Usually when a friend came over to her place, her roommate was around. But today, when she thought having her in the house would have helped, she was there, standing awkwardly in front of him.


After realising that an eerie silence had occupied the room, he started talking. Although she felt he sang to her. The way he spoke had changed, or maybe how she listened had. She was unsure of what was happening but she relished listening to him. They talked for next two hours, about every random thing like they always did. And when it was time for him to leave, she walked him to the door. Before heading out, he did the most unexpected thing. He took her in his arms, closed in on the distance between them and placed his lips gently on hers. Before she could react, he retreated his lips and smiled at her with his hands still around her waist. It was quick, but was gentle. She felt safe in his arms, safe like never before. Without taking another second, she kissed him. And this time, they kissed. A kiss full of love and passion. They stopped and he whispered ‘I love yew’ in her ears. She felt like the world bowed to her. In his words, she found herself. But she couldn’t get herself to say anything. She needed some time to take in whatever had happened. So she simply smiled and then they parted.


Only to never meet again.


At mid-night, she called him. After they had shared a few greetings, she was about to tell him for what she had called, to tell him she loved him too, but before she could say anything, he interrupted her. His tone became serious and she bit her lip realising what was about to come might just not be the best thing for her to listen. And correct she was. The next second, her chest burned, her heart ached, and she was out of breath. She disconnected the line, forcing herself to stay conscious. Tears kept streaming down her face. She couldn’t believe her ears but when she did, she knew he wasn’t lying. She cried all night, thinking about the times - when they were happy. The moments that she thought of a few hours back, which had made her smile, now made her cry her eyes out.

She had stopped talking him or maybe he stopped talking to her, she didn’t know and she was contended. But now, none of that mattered. She refused to believe it, but deep down she knew she had fallen in love with him. She also knew that she would never be able to love again. It’s been 2 years now. The mourning has diminished but there are several days when all she does is to live her life normally only to come home at night, curl up in bed, and let her mind get filled with the echoes of the line he said on the phone and cry herself to sleep.

Only to come home, curl up in bed and cry.

He had said, “I think I have feelings for Ria. The girl I met at the bar last week.”

Today is just another one such day.

Has it EVER dawned on yew why yew cry over the past?

Have yew ever thought of sharing your pain after yew had decided that no one ever will be genuinely interested, because that’s how the world is ? People are only interested in your BS if either they have something to relate with their life or they get some juicy gossip.


Life is unfair. MILLIONS of times we have heard that but yew say that the million and one-th time won’t make a difference. Just realising that life isn’t easy doesn’t make it any simpler. And those who say it does, are either idiots or too strong to forgive.


It takes strength to forgive, ii agree but ii also agree that maybe then, ii don’t have that much strength. The bad times ii have been through, every now and then make me cry my eyes out. And ii don’t see why people keep saying that don’t cry over the past? What else are we supposed to cry about then?


You can share your pain with people, but why to? As if anyone cares.


Pain ii have been through? It’ s pretty much normal - being dumped (not quite dumped but close to it), being called a slut, a stalker, a hypocrite, a liar and almost all sorts of BAD things. Disappointing parents, breaking other’s heart, topping a million of people’s hit list, backstabbed by friends. Sounds very USUAL, doesn’t it?


Well honestly, ii typed all of those in detail and trust me, it didn’t seem anywhere near to normal pain that a teenager puts up with. Yes, there are millions out there who have faced worse than ii have - matter of life and death, matter of home and food and all that. But ii don’t think ii really wanna get there atm. Anyway, ii couldn’t put that detailed drama here because ii realised am not ready to blurt that out here just yet. Maybe, some other day. Not that ii worry if someone might read, coz hardly any one reads my blog (yea, cry baby ii am). But ii just don’t wanna share my pain. :| That’s how ii am. ii just don’t share my pain with anyone. No one has ever even given a reason for me to, and those who made me do it, ended up hurting me. This was like, 4 years back so ever since then, ii haven’t shared my pain with anyone.


And yes, all this might seem very casual, like it happens with everyone. Maybe then, am not strong enough like everyone else. Maybe ii am just that person who has the dark feeling of coal overpowering because of which ii don’t see the diamonds in my life (ii read this line at some other blog. Don’t remember which one, but when ii do, i’ll put it up here). Maybe ii am just the weakest person on this earth because ii let these things get me every now and then. Like once in 3-4 months. Today is just another one such day when my barrier broke. ii have been crying since last night and ii desperately want it to stop, coz ii have an exam tomorrow which ii don’t wanna screw up. ii have tried everything, keeping myself busy by talking to friends, watching tv, listening to music, studying, crying, reading random blogs, tried sleeping. But NOTHING is working. So ii thought maybe writing would. ii feel better now, only ii don’t know for how long that will last. When ii talked to the friend, ii was pretty much okay for next one hour so lets see how long does this keep me from getting upset.


ii simply hope this day gets over soon

They say forget and forgive. But when one can’t forget, how can one forgive? That way, ii can say ii don’t forgive because ii never forget.