It was always her.

She woke up to her phone ringing.
"Hello", she muttered in her sleepy voice.
"Hi, you sound so cute. I just called you to apologize for last night and wish you morning."
"Morning", she replied with a smile on her face. "Let me get up and give you a call back?" she asked.
"Sure babe. I'll be waiting", Jay replied.

She dragged herself out of her comfortable bed and walked to the restroom. She started brushing her teeth.
"Hmm, that wasn't so bad. Maybe I can get used to this." She smiled again. After freshening up, she went to the kitchen. Caffeine was desperately needed. She decided that she'll call him later. There were other important things she had to care of before talking to him that day. She needed to think about what had happened the last night, and exactly why.

Jay and Aria had been dating for a few months now. Their's was a relationship that grew out of new friendship, they had known each other a few months before they decided they both liked each other. It was going great, until last night. Last night, they had their first real fight.
Jay was a sincere guy. He knew he wanted to be with Aria from the day he had met her. No one had understood him the way she had. No one ever will, was what he always believed. Aria, on the other hand, was a carefree girl. She wasn't used to giving much heed to emotions and feelings. She took everything as it came to her. She was smart enough to expect the least out of people, to not put her faith in anyone. She started dating Jay because she liked him just the same. He made her happy. She was reluctant initially, thinking that Jay was too sweet to handle someone like her. She was too strong with her ideals and her rules. But she still went ahead with it.
Yesterday's fight was about her insecurities, her expectations which had started to rise without her acknowledging them. It was a silly reason though. He had apologized and he tried to reason with her. In her heart, she knew he was right but she was hurt. She didn't understand why. And she ended up being really pissed, more at herself than at him. She tried real hard, but she couldn't keep the thought out of her mind that maybe it was a mistake, her relationship. Maybe they were not ready. Maybe he was not able to handle. Or maybe, it was her. She was unable to handle all the emotions and she was caught in the turmoil. She wasn't used to expecting anything at all from anyone but now she was expecting, and getting disappointed. But it was noone's fault for her expectations were unrealistic and she knew it. All the anger was hurting her from the inside and she had no one to go to. That's why she ended up fighting with him.


Caffeine helped her think straight. She needed to figure how to make things right. Reflecting upon everything that had happened last night, that she said and whatever he had explained, she finally accepted that she was very wrong. She needed to let a lot of things go and get used to being disappointed a few times here and there. After all, he had a life of his own and he won't do everything according to her. That's why she's always hated being involved with someone, she wanted things her own way and when that didn't happen, she used to get pissed. But the way he had handled her anger last night, the way he had tried to make her understand, she knew noone else would have done that.
Maybe it was never him or anyone. She was highly wrong in thinking that he won't be able to handle her in a relationship. It was her. Always have been.
She was not able to handle herself like that, like the way being with Jay was changing her. Yesterday was not about disappointment, it was about facing the reality.

Reading between the lines

Often we befriend a person, a person who changes our life for forever. In a bad or good way, that's upto you how you read between the lines.

The ones we remember are usually the ones who change it in a bad way.

It's strange that we often spend more time thinking about those who hurt us than those who heal.

Nevertheless, we think about them. About ourselves. About them and ourselves. Sometimes, it's a relief what happened, more often it's not.

"I never thought that you would ever do that
Everything we had is gone
You said you love me, said you'll never leave
Maybe I just heard you wrong" - Shayne Ward - Damaged

 

Cliche story most of the times. It starts off as friendship, over the time it becomes strong. And just when you start feeling safe around that person, life happens. One betrays the other. Not in a typical-bollywood-betrayal-way. But in a typical-this-is-life-way.

And the betrayal leaves us wounded for longer than its supposed to be okay. 

That is when you start to wonder what went wrong. Was it you? Or the other person?

Was it evident from the beginning what was gonna happen but you were too busy reading between the lines that you missed what was right in front of you. Hope, can either do good or can make you look like a complete jerk. 

And then, after wondering for a looonnngggg time you give up. The only question remains, 'Why? Why would you do this to me?' Every other question from the past renders useless. 'Why?' is the only question you want an answer to. For the time being. 

It's a long trail of questions to which you might never find an answer to, questions that haunt us and will keep doing so.

In return, it's either their silence or their wrath. How you interpret both, is on how you read between the lines.

Our whole life is about reading between the lines. All the answers are between the lines.

Sympathy or plastic smile?

What is it about people who can never get themselves to share the intimate things in their lives?

Have you ever wondered that there's more to a person that meets the eye? That her/his life, which seems blessed and good, is actually not that good. That the fact that no matter how much better off they are, they are still messed up in their heads.

There are 2 kinds of people.
People who choose to share their misery, confide in people and let others know that they are vulnerable and hurt.
And then there are those who can never get themselves to share anything that makes them seem weak.

Maybe it's not about what kind of a person they are. Maybe it's more about who they choose to confide in.

But how do you know in whom and when to confide? And what about the things that you are too ashamed to share? The things that give a wrong impression of things close to you, things that define you - like your friends or family or your own self.

What about things like being exploited by a loved one, sexual or mental harassment or both, domestic violence, drinking problems, parental problems, spouse issues?

What if the person sitting next to you, who's smiling away and making jokes is going through any of that but he is too ashamed to share? Or maybe who simply don't want you to see the bad in their loved ones.

So you see the pain of people only when they tell you. What about the ones who are not like them? The ones who don't go around telling others that they have certain issues because neither they want sympathy nor they want pity.

It's obviously true that there will be someone you will confide in. Someday. But till that someday, what if people you want to understand you, leave you for someone who chose to make themselves look weak?

I don't know which one of those two is in better place, which one is happy in the end. Sharing the things and gaining sympathy or having a smile plastered on your face? 

But that is a question I ask myself everyday.

Alterations

The thing with happiness is, too much of that, and you get bored of it.

The thing with sadness is, too much of that, and you get used to it.

There comes a time when you know you’ve tried everything- keeping yourself busy, distracted by talking to a lot of people, flirting, socializing- but nothing seems to work. Even if it does, the extent is very little. No matter what or who, nothing except time can help you move on.

No matter how hard you try to forget certain people in your life, small things they did, typical words or places full of memories of them, life has a funny way of reminding it to you in some manner.

One small move or gesture sends you on a roller coaster ride to your past. Long walks on beach, sitting in the balcony for hours, listening to music, playing guitar, nothing helps. Their thought stays stuck in your head.

Thought of you being together.

Thought of you never thinking of growing apart.

Thought of spending a considerable amount of time with them for you to cherish for the rest of your life.

Thought that never occurred that one day everything will get fucked up.

When everything seems to be going according to plan, when things feel too good to be true, you’ve definitely missed out on something. A screw up is bound to happen.

Helplessness is all you have left.

That. Is. Life.

You wait. And wait.

You wait for a change of course in your life’s events, people or surroundings. Desperate need of vacations persist. You hate change throughout your life but this is the time when every part in your body longs for a change. A change so drastic that it will tear away the old memories and help the new ones to bloom.

And you live in a hope that the change will happen.

Sadistic Pleasure

Katie was confused, hell confused about her life. Love life, to be precise. She had been single for long and now she wanted, rather didn’t mind getting into a relationship so her emotions had been taking a toll on her lately.

She already had a guy in her life, whom she thought she liked. She was sure that she didn’t love him but she knew that she did have feelings for him because she hadn’t done things close to what all she did for that guy, to keep him happy. But she wasn’t sure of him for he was the “popular” one, the one who very well knew how to play his cards right with girls. She wanted him to take time to get to know her, get to understand her and vice versa but things seemed to be going from bad to worse. She wasn’t accepting the fact that the guy wasn’t right for her but deep down, she knew he wasn’t.  She knew the consequences she would have to face but still she kept going on.

When she thought about it, she realized that she was now in a habit to learn things the hard way. She found some sadistic pleasure in what all she was putting herself through. She knew if she fell real bad, she’ll get up but with new spirits and will never fall with the same mistake again. But for that to happen, she wanted to make sure that the mistake had to be big and cruel before it made her fall.

So having an absurd way to make herself strong, she was putting herself through the unnecessary pain and troubles. What she could never understand was why she was doing all this? She knew, in a way, that she was only making things difficult for herself and that she was just hurting herself even more but she chose to stick to it. Her past made her certain that she needed to make herself strong beyond any possibility of getting hurt from anyone and regarding anything. She would talk to the guy who would hurt her again and again, act like she was happy, would pamper him even when she felt the urge to tell him to leave her alone but she would just continue.

She would indifferently ignore the guy who would treat her right, merely because she couldn’t get herself to believe that someone would actually like her and would want to make her happy. She had fallen way many a times to give herself any importance in anyone’s life.

She was so used to not being pampered, not being taken care of that now she hardly cared if anyone did. And if anyone did do it, she would think it’s just for a matter of time because eventually they would stop. She felt the care and love was transient.

Not quite understanding why she expected way too much out of anybody, the thing which kept pushing her was the fact that she knew no one would ever be able to reach up to those high standards and so she only blamed herself and no one else for setting such high standards. But eventually, she was making it difficult for others to reach her.

She was confused, anguished, insecure, scared and messed up.

Well, so am ii !

Why would anyone, despite knowing the outcomes, would do this to themselves? If someone was unintentionally hurting themselves, it’s still understandable. But what Katie was doing to herself, is just plain confusing and weird.

Am insanely obscure about the necessity to do this to ourselves when we have a beautiful life, comprising of loving friends and family. If you have any possible answer or explanation as to why Katie does that to herself, feel free to suggest.

Because when words fail, music speaks

At times, words fail to explain what we want to say - to ourselves as and to others.  At those times, it's music that speaks, loud and clear.

My emotions and thoughts are trapped in a whirlpool at the moment. So there are a few songs, and not just one, that might explain what enigma my mind is facing.

At different time of day, these songs make me play them again and again on my player.

So here goes -

In the morning, when ii travel .. these are the songs ii end up listening to again and again.

I Got You (by) Leona Lewis

Say Goodbye (by) Chris Brown

You Don't Love Me (by) Rihanna

And when my mood swing, by the time it's noon  -

What The Hell (by) Avril Lavigne

Right There (by) Nicole Scherzinger

What's My Name (by) Rihanna

Then in the evening, this takes place - 

Space Bound (by) Eminem

Need You Now (by) Lady Antebellum

Ride It (by) Jay Sean

So these are the songs ii end up listening to often these days. Confused much :/

Today is just another one such day.

Has it EVER dawned on yew why yew cry over the past?

Have yew ever thought of sharing your pain after yew had decided that no one ever will be genuinely interested, because that’s how the world is ? People are only interested in your BS if either they have something to relate with their life or they get some juicy gossip.


Life is unfair. MILLIONS of times we have heard that but yew say that the million and one-th time won’t make a difference. Just realising that life isn’t easy doesn’t make it any simpler. And those who say it does, are either idiots or too strong to forgive.


It takes strength to forgive, ii agree but ii also agree that maybe then, ii don’t have that much strength. The bad times ii have been through, every now and then make me cry my eyes out. And ii don’t see why people keep saying that don’t cry over the past? What else are we supposed to cry about then?


You can share your pain with people, but why to? As if anyone cares.


Pain ii have been through? It’ s pretty much normal - being dumped (not quite dumped but close to it), being called a slut, a stalker, a hypocrite, a liar and almost all sorts of BAD things. Disappointing parents, breaking other’s heart, topping a million of people’s hit list, backstabbed by friends. Sounds very USUAL, doesn’t it?


Well honestly, ii typed all of those in detail and trust me, it didn’t seem anywhere near to normal pain that a teenager puts up with. Yes, there are millions out there who have faced worse than ii have - matter of life and death, matter of home and food and all that. But ii don’t think ii really wanna get there atm. Anyway, ii couldn’t put that detailed drama here because ii realised am not ready to blurt that out here just yet. Maybe, some other day. Not that ii worry if someone might read, coz hardly any one reads my blog (yea, cry baby ii am). But ii just don’t wanna share my pain. :| That’s how ii am. ii just don’t share my pain with anyone. No one has ever even given a reason for me to, and those who made me do it, ended up hurting me. This was like, 4 years back so ever since then, ii haven’t shared my pain with anyone.


And yes, all this might seem very casual, like it happens with everyone. Maybe then, am not strong enough like everyone else. Maybe ii am just that person who has the dark feeling of coal overpowering because of which ii don’t see the diamonds in my life (ii read this line at some other blog. Don’t remember which one, but when ii do, i’ll put it up here). Maybe ii am just the weakest person on this earth because ii let these things get me every now and then. Like once in 3-4 months. Today is just another one such day when my barrier broke. ii have been crying since last night and ii desperately want it to stop, coz ii have an exam tomorrow which ii don’t wanna screw up. ii have tried everything, keeping myself busy by talking to friends, watching tv, listening to music, studying, crying, reading random blogs, tried sleeping. But NOTHING is working. So ii thought maybe writing would. ii feel better now, only ii don’t know for how long that will last. When ii talked to the friend, ii was pretty much okay for next one hour so lets see how long does this keep me from getting upset.


ii simply hope this day gets over soon

They say forget and forgive. But when one can’t forget, how can one forgive? That way, ii can say ii don’t forgive because ii never forget.