They parted, only, to never meet again.

Her phone rang. “I’ll be there in 10”, said the guy from the other side of the line. She kept the phone down, smiled to herself and started staring at the clock. Every second seemed like an hour for her. She felt like she was gonna meet him for the first time. A new HIM. A new HER. It was over the phone only, a few weeks back, when he said he loved her. It came as a surprise to her because she had never felt for him that way. He was just a friend to her, a good one. But she had taken it well. She had been told by people who knew her well that they were perfect for each other. They were “made for each other” material but she always took it as a joke until ofcourse he confessed. Surprisingly she didn’t think much of it, like how she’ll react, how she’ll behave around him et al. She was simply going with the flow. But she was glad to know that there was someone for her now, someone she knew she could count on whenever needed, someone who’ll not only cry for her but would cry with her. Having the secured feelings, she was on cloud nine. She was meeting him for the first time, after he had confessed.

 She recalled all texts that had been in her inbox, saying crap like ‘yew do this, so yew love him. Yew do that, so he loves yew’ which she had overlooked, now, made her smile. She remembered the times when they laughed together, cried together, fought with each other, tried to make up, times when they were happy. All the moments jogged in her mind, chasing each other playfully. She had lost track of time. And then, the doorbell rang. She ran towards the door and while unlocking it, her nostrils got filled with the cologne he wore. She loved his cologne, she realised. Letting him in, she got a little uncomfortable. Usually when a friend came over to her place, her roommate was around. But today, when she thought having her in the house would have helped, she was there, standing awkwardly in front of him.


After realising that an eerie silence had occupied the room, he started talking. Although she felt he sang to her. The way he spoke had changed, or maybe how she listened had. She was unsure of what was happening but she relished listening to him. They talked for next two hours, about every random thing like they always did. And when it was time for him to leave, she walked him to the door. Before heading out, he did the most unexpected thing. He took her in his arms, closed in on the distance between them and placed his lips gently on hers. Before she could react, he retreated his lips and smiled at her with his hands still around her waist. It was quick, but was gentle. She felt safe in his arms, safe like never before. Without taking another second, she kissed him. And this time, they kissed. A kiss full of love and passion. They stopped and he whispered ‘I love yew’ in her ears. She felt like the world bowed to her. In his words, she found herself. But she couldn’t get herself to say anything. She needed some time to take in whatever had happened. So she simply smiled and then they parted.


Only to never meet again.


At mid-night, she called him. After they had shared a few greetings, she was about to tell him for what she had called, to tell him she loved him too, but before she could say anything, he interrupted her. His tone became serious and she bit her lip realising what was about to come might just not be the best thing for her to listen. And correct she was. The next second, her chest burned, her heart ached, and she was out of breath. She disconnected the line, forcing herself to stay conscious. Tears kept streaming down her face. She couldn’t believe her ears but when she did, she knew he wasn’t lying. She cried all night, thinking about the times - when they were happy. The moments that she thought of a few hours back, which had made her smile, now made her cry her eyes out.

She had stopped talking him or maybe he stopped talking to her, she didn’t know and she was contended. But now, none of that mattered. She refused to believe it, but deep down she knew she had fallen in love with him. She also knew that she would never be able to love again. It’s been 2 years now. The mourning has diminished but there are several days when all she does is to live her life normally only to come home at night, curl up in bed, and let her mind get filled with the echoes of the line he said on the phone and cry herself to sleep.

Only to come home, curl up in bed and cry.

He had said, “I think I have feelings for Ria. The girl I met at the bar last week.”

A Dove.

I wonder how you make me smile,

the moment you come in front of my eye

I wonder how you make me believe,

in heaven so real, without any grieve

How the hell you make me forget,

all my pain and regret

I wonder why you do this to me,

every single time when you meet me

All over again ii fall in love,

like an idiot slavery dove

You make me feel am on top of the world,

and ii know you wont ever make me hurled

Its just not the lie,

that you own me till ii die

Again and again ii fall in love,

every single moment ii become THAT dove.

  

Today is just another one such day.

Has it EVER dawned on yew why yew cry over the past?

Have yew ever thought of sharing your pain after yew had decided that no one ever will be genuinely interested, because that’s how the world is ? People are only interested in your BS if either they have something to relate with their life or they get some juicy gossip.


Life is unfair. MILLIONS of times we have heard that but yew say that the million and one-th time won’t make a difference. Just realising that life isn’t easy doesn’t make it any simpler. And those who say it does, are either idiots or too strong to forgive.


It takes strength to forgive, ii agree but ii also agree that maybe then, ii don’t have that much strength. The bad times ii have been through, every now and then make me cry my eyes out. And ii don’t see why people keep saying that don’t cry over the past? What else are we supposed to cry about then?


You can share your pain with people, but why to? As if anyone cares.


Pain ii have been through? It’ s pretty much normal - being dumped (not quite dumped but close to it), being called a slut, a stalker, a hypocrite, a liar and almost all sorts of BAD things. Disappointing parents, breaking other’s heart, topping a million of people’s hit list, backstabbed by friends. Sounds very USUAL, doesn’t it?


Well honestly, ii typed all of those in detail and trust me, it didn’t seem anywhere near to normal pain that a teenager puts up with. Yes, there are millions out there who have faced worse than ii have - matter of life and death, matter of home and food and all that. But ii don’t think ii really wanna get there atm. Anyway, ii couldn’t put that detailed drama here because ii realised am not ready to blurt that out here just yet. Maybe, some other day. Not that ii worry if someone might read, coz hardly any one reads my blog (yea, cry baby ii am). But ii just don’t wanna share my pain. :| That’s how ii am. ii just don’t share my pain with anyone. No one has ever even given a reason for me to, and those who made me do it, ended up hurting me. This was like, 4 years back so ever since then, ii haven’t shared my pain with anyone.


And yes, all this might seem very casual, like it happens with everyone. Maybe then, am not strong enough like everyone else. Maybe ii am just that person who has the dark feeling of coal overpowering because of which ii don’t see the diamonds in my life (ii read this line at some other blog. Don’t remember which one, but when ii do, i’ll put it up here). Maybe ii am just the weakest person on this earth because ii let these things get me every now and then. Like once in 3-4 months. Today is just another one such day when my barrier broke. ii have been crying since last night and ii desperately want it to stop, coz ii have an exam tomorrow which ii don’t wanna screw up. ii have tried everything, keeping myself busy by talking to friends, watching tv, listening to music, studying, crying, reading random blogs, tried sleeping. But NOTHING is working. So ii thought maybe writing would. ii feel better now, only ii don’t know for how long that will last. When ii talked to the friend, ii was pretty much okay for next one hour so lets see how long does this keep me from getting upset.


ii simply hope this day gets over soon

They say forget and forgive. But when one can’t forget, how can one forgive? That way, ii can say ii don’t forgive because ii never forget.

~ The day her heart changed ~

        

She was in high spirits to be giving the last exam of her high school. Little did she know that her spirits would die soon. She walked out of the gates, found her friends joking around. Surroundings were noisy, everyone busy deciding where they should party. And then she remembered. She had to confirm some news she had heard recently. Scrounging in crowd, she finally spotted her batch mate. With all the courage she could gather, she walked up to him, carefully chose her words and said, “I heard your brother isn’t well. Is everything all alright?” He could sense the tension lingering in the air but he instantly replied, “He’s good”.  That was when she knew she had to say it, so taking another deep breath she rephrased, “Is he  ...umm... suffering from  ...” and he knew what she was talking about. With her question hanging incompletely, he answered, “yes. But how do you know?”

She only heard him say ‘yes’ and rest of his words disappeared in thin air. Her mind went numb. She didn’t know what to say, how to react – to him, to her own self, to the situation. She just turned around and started walking. And before she knew, she was crossing her friends without hearing their continuous calls and in some time, she was home.  She rang the bell and her mother answered the door. There must have been something her mother had seen on her face that she didn’t say a word. She quietly went her room where she sat on her bed, staring blankly in air. She didn’t look up when her mother came to sit beside her.

Her mother wasn’t expecting her anytime soon, since she knew it was the last exam and it was positive that she would go out with her friends but there she was; her face looked scared. She put her arm around her daughter and her daughter suddenly cuddled in her arms and started crying. In between the loud sobs, she heard her say, “Kunal has blood cancer”.  And she said no more for she knew nothing could help her daughter other than crying. So, she let her do so.

Kunal was her senior. She became a good friend of his in a very short period of time. He was the sweetest guy she had ever seen, with a caring heart like no other. They became friends on a random day and had talked often since then. He had proposed to her but she never thought of him as more than a friend so they remained friends. But ever since he had proposed her, she started to feel a little bugged with his flirting and mostly because she knew she was hurting him every moment she talked to him. She knew it was difficult for him but she couldn’t do anything. She got irritated and often she ended up being rude to him; without any intention to do so. And that was why she was crying.

All day and the night that followed, she sat in her dark room and cried. She was angry with God for what he did to him. He didn’t deserve all that and on top of it, why had He made her go through all that. Knowing that she had hurt a dying heart killed her too. More than God, she was angry with herself.

The only time she had stopped crying was when her father entered her room. In a chat for less than few minutes, because also he knew nothing could help her, he told her to be strong and face the reality. He asked her to make best of the opportunity; now at least she knew the truth and she could, as a minimum, try to make upto him. Then he walked out, leaving her alone to deal with the situation.

She was angry, scared, sad, wounded and helpless at the same time. She cried herself to sleep and when she woke up next morning, she found Kunal waiting for her in the drawing room. She couldn’t gather the courage to face him but she had to. She had decided last night that she would be strong and she would do anything to keep him happy now. Her heart still aching, she pulled herself out of the bed, washed her face and sat in front of him. For a few minutes, there was deafening silence in the room. He was the one to speak, “how are you?” She couldn’t believe her ears; the guy who was suffering from a terminal disease is asking her how she was? She felt a lump in her throat and all she could do was to nod at his question. Another period of silence. And then, he finally talked.

“Please, don’t cry. I have come to terms in dealing with it and I don’t know how you got to know but I am glad I don’t have to hide it from you anymore. It’s saddening, I agree, but nothing can be done. Am living happily and that’s what I want from you to. I want you to be happy and cheerful like you always are. Don’t let this affect you in any way because I know you’ll always be with me, even when am irritating. And I want nothing more.” She sighed at that. She stood up and went to sit beside him. And for the first time she looked straight in his eyes. She could see fear in his eyes - fear of death, fear of losing his friends, fear of losing his family. She just sat there, staring at him for she had no words to say. So he continued, “Don’t worry. I am going through treatment and hopefully I’ll be fine one day. I want to stay happy and not waste any moment being sad so please, cheer up. Let’s not talk about this ever again and lead our lives normally.”

After sitting with her for few more hours, he left. She felt little better for all the things he had said but she still couldn’t believe; how can God create such a guy with a pure heart like that and not let him live? But like he said, nothing can be done. Accepting the harsh reality, she decided it was time she got up and continued with her life because that was the best she could do. From then on, she made sure that she told people how good they were, how lucky she was to have them in her life, and how lucky they were to have a good life. And from that very day, her view had changed.

Smile. :)

It's been a while since ii got down to pen down the thoughts like THIS. I've completely switched to writing poems now, which is a good thing, ii feel.
But still, ii dunno why ..at times ii feel that writing poems isn't helping much.

Life's been great lately. Not too much socialising, not too much of drama and chaos is life.

"The more you stay with yourself, the happier you get."

^ the quote made me fall in love with it. Only until ii started socialising again :P
I spent 3 months, not talking to friends much, trying to devote more time to studies. Not that I've been upset or anything, just been outta mood.

But recently, there's this guy ii talked to. Funnily enough, he said things that made me wonder about various things.

The first question - How can anyone judge a person in a very short span of time without knowing a thing about them ?

I never dared judging anyone, not even after knowing them for long. How could one possibly know what kinda person the other one is. It takes ages to figure out that. But yea, most of the people ii know of, don't take long in judging and they, themselves, on the other hand hate being judged.
People : /
ii wonder if i'll ever be able to understand the concept of expecting a LOT in return when yew have nothing to offer.


Second question - Why do people shut themselves out ?

After reading numerous novels & writings, ii know very well that shutting ourselves out causes more harm than anything else. But then again, does a human have any control over that ?
The ''experiences'' teach us to do things, to behave in ways that we've never thought of.
Shutting out doesn't seem much big of an effort, tbh.
All it needs is a little hurt, little hatred and loads of betrayal around. And in today's world, that doesn't seem that big a problem.
Friends don't give a second thought before spreading ugly rumors, loved one's don't take a second in taking them for granted, world doesn't take a second to puch them down, under the ground.
It hurts. Being betrayed by friends, lover, yourself. Even though yew don't lose faith in friendship and love, because there are a few people who have managed to keep the faith alive in yew, yew have certainly lost all hope in it's divine purity.
I have, atleast. And it's not a very good feeling, ii must say. You miss out on the joys of taking risks by trusting friends, falling in love, having fun.

Life is tough. Noone taught us anything about how to lead the life without being much affected by the betrayal. And betrayal, causes a person to shut themselves. It's noone's fault, as we realise but then, it's everyone's fault.
Taking a fall like, hundred times have made me come to a point where ii don't share much about my life. Talking about past doesn't make sense to me anymore. Talking about things that still hurt only makes yew weak & talking about things that don't matter anymore - and don't hurt - doesn't make sense. Then why not just let the past be ?

Still, when yew come across a new person, all you wanna is, their past. Why ? Probably becase it gives a new insight to that person or probably it's just a way of telling the person, 'that even though your past is of no business to me, just to keep up the conversation, ii don't mind listening to that crap as well.'
But ii don't want either of those to happen. I know my past is of noone's concern, hence ii don't talk about it. That makes me talk even less.
And my silence is often misjudged as my non-willingness to talk / attempt to shut myself out / not trusting / arrogance / attitude et al.
Maybe this way, other's are said to shut themselves out too.

In order to Listen, you need to be Silent. And when you listen, that's when yew truly get to know a person.
Silence may have aroused due to bad situations, but it's a part of me now, as it becomes a part of many other people. And silence, isn't bad.
It helps me analyse what's good & what's not. Though ii have to go a LONG way to discover more about it, but ii have already started.

Sometimes ii wish, life would have been little easier if ii hadn't been through so much. And even though when ii see people around myself, suffering a LOT ore than ii have, ii feel sad for them too. But also, ii feel proud, knowing that ii had an opportunity to get to know a person who went through a lot but still managed to emerge as a strong person. I guess it's time to be proud of myself too. Knowing that ii have not always been surrounded by the best of people, but ii managed to evolve myself, turn out to be a person ii can be proud of.

But still, ii don't share my insights. All I can say about the whole thing is,

When someone accuses yew of shutting yourself out and not interacting, you just think "sometimes, life brings you to such crossroads where yew feel smiling is easier than explaining what went wrong."

.The Final Goodbye.

As we walk out of the gate and for the last glimpse we turn,

we see the school building, become nostalgic and our stomachs churn

The flashbacks of the best time of our lives we get,

we leave this place, without any regret

In infant, when we were 2.5 feet tall,

breakage of crayons seemed like a problem biggest of all

Growing over the alphabets A B and C,

we learnt there were other things beyond crayons, that we had to foresee

Junior year was when we saw the major ups and downs,

we acquired the reasons for our little frowns

As emotions like curiosity, jealousy, stupidity, stress, anxiety seemed true,

and many more countless feelings that we could never construe

The idiotic fights we had, when our egos clashed,

we saw our desires of being with the 'hottie' getting smashed

The stupid stuff we said,

and how we watched the lies spread 

As the 'popular' ones got all the attention,

the funkier ones got the detention

The seemingly endless fun we had, making fun of peers and teachers who taught,

without a reason, many a times among ourselves we fought



As we walk out ..!

The lonesome time we spent,

when the 'true' friends betrayed, our trust took a dent

Dealing with the pain, we pulled ourselves together,

learnt that not everyone can be our friend forever

Then senior year was where things really matter,

we've built so many bonds just to watch them shatter.

As we walk down the abandoned corridors,

we realize we are strong enough to be our own anchors

And in front of us, an empty school building stands,

life turned out exactly opposite to what we had planned

Just a black cap and gown and a football field to cross,

some friendships to keep and some at a loss

And so we leave this place, some good and some bad memories we keep,

towards the life, we take a huge leap

As we go down the path of our design,

memories of the past fourteen years will intertwine

It’s the end of one road and the start of a new one,

fourteen long years, can’t believe that we're done

Don't hold back the tears, feel free to cry,

It is after all, our final goodbye ..

2010, Another Year Passed

A random question my mind asked
as the year 2010 has almost passed
if ii get a chance to go back and change
what in my past would ii want in exchange                                 


I think and think and think
with ugly moments my mind is occupied upto the brink
ii think about the times ii lied
times when not upto my potential ii tried


When ii sat back and simply cursed
my life, my fate - in complete darkness it was immersed
the times when ii hurt my closed ones
the times when ii was hurt in many turns


I think if its only in year 2010 that ii made mistakes
But then ii realise, it my whole life, last 18 years, that ii never had what it takes
I failed to be good daughter, a good student, a good sister, a good friend
lots of disappointments my close ones had to fend,in frustration all ii did was to offend


And amidst all the bad times, ii also think about when
ii was happy and cheerful, life was good then, that was the time
when ii had committed no crime

I see myself in mirror and smile                                                                    
maybe it was for best what happened because today ii am docile
it were the hard times, the bad moments, the failures that made me strong
to life's challenges, ii became sharp like a prong


Through the hardships,ii evolved to became strong and ii felt my confident profuse
As the 2010 passed, ii felt a fresh aura diffuse
into the ambiance
my tears evaporated with a dulcet incense


Another year of my life that passed, wasn't so bad after all
out of the bed, ii decide to crawl
looking at the twinkling stars, standing under the starry night
ii decide to hold my faith up tight


A sigh escapes my mouth
the bad thought, ii feel went for south
As the year 2010 passed, a random answer to a random question ii found
ii saw a new sun, the ray of hope and ii heard my heart pounding with a happy sound !