the Devil in me

Every coin has two sides. And this is the devil side of me.
A side that every one has but no one has the guts to accept. A sin, no one wants to take responsibility for.

If I ever write my own story, it'll start like this -
"Once upon a time, a girl found out that she turned out to be a wrong person"

There possibly might not be anything that's good about me. I'm selfish, and yes I never deny that fact.
I'm arrogant. You can't just piss me off and expect me to treat you like honeycomb.
My modesty is overshadowed by my facial expressions that usually suggest that I'm showing attitude towards you.
Well honestly, your face isn't exactly what I wish to see for long. So don't be surprised if I choose to look at the ground or anywhere else in the air while talking to you.
I'm not here to please you, so don't even get the vague idea that I'm trying to impress you by bragging or lying about anything.
I'm an adult lady. Yes I get horny. And I don't make efforts to hide it or cover it. No one is a kid here and hypocrisy is not my thing.
I care about anyone and everyone, only because of the values instilled in me by my parents, not because you are very dear to me.
I am a woman of words. Unless I say anything out loud, I don't mean it. So don't even dare to think I love you if I have never said it. Chances are, I'll never say it too.
I might talk to you day and night, but no, I won't end up feeling for you. If I can not feel for you after talking so much, then you can also do the same.
Yes, a lot of guys have asked me out. They might want me for all the good or the bad reasons. But hey, there are no bad reasons. So they want me for my body. That's something to be proud of, not ashamed of. Just because they want it, doesn't mean they get it.
After all, talking to every other guy or lusting over them doesn't make a girl a whore, sleeping with everyone does.
For those who love me for my mind, very frankly, I don't get it. You people don't know me. You cannot know a person in a few months. You cannot take the worst of me. What makes you think that you love me for my mind?
Nevertheless, I still respect your feelings. It's not easy to feel for someone and to reason with it, so I won't ask for reasons. So thank you for giving a piece your heart and mind to me.
But don't get so worked up that I've had a lot of guys to ask me out and never say yes. I don't say a yes not because I'm very proud or anything, I don't say a yes because I don't feel for you, simple as that. And it won't be fair on my part if I know that you feel for me but I don't and still decide to go out with you.
I do fantasize. I do wanna smash a girl's head only because she irritates me with her high pitched voice. I do wanna spill food on a better dressed girl because she gets to look hotter than I do. I am jealous of pretty girls. Or girls without acne, with perfect hair.
I am egoistic. Very. You cannot target my self respect and expect me to not react.
My self respect is above any of you.

I might be the most arrogant bitch in the whole world, but I'm not a liar. Whatever I am, I accept.
Honesty goes a long way with me. Be a liar, be arrogant, be a pervert. But if you're honest, you are still tolerable.

Hate me all you want. And fathom the immensity of fuck I do not give.

- Girl you 'should' be afraid your parents will meet.

Alterations

The thing with happiness is, too much of that, and you get bored of it.

The thing with sadness is, too much of that, and you get used to it.

There comes a time when you know you’ve tried everything- keeping yourself busy, distracted by talking to a lot of people, flirting, socializing- but nothing seems to work. Even if it does, the extent is very little. No matter what or who, nothing except time can help you move on.

No matter how hard you try to forget certain people in your life, small things they did, typical words or places full of memories of them, life has a funny way of reminding it to you in some manner.

One small move or gesture sends you on a roller coaster ride to your past. Long walks on beach, sitting in the balcony for hours, listening to music, playing guitar, nothing helps. Their thought stays stuck in your head.

Thought of you being together.

Thought of you never thinking of growing apart.

Thought of spending a considerable amount of time with them for you to cherish for the rest of your life.

Thought that never occurred that one day everything will get fucked up.

When everything seems to be going according to plan, when things feel too good to be true, you’ve definitely missed out on something. A screw up is bound to happen.

Helplessness is all you have left.

That. Is. Life.

You wait. And wait.

You wait for a change of course in your life’s events, people or surroundings. Desperate need of vacations persist. You hate change throughout your life but this is the time when every part in your body longs for a change. A change so drastic that it will tear away the old memories and help the new ones to bloom.

And you live in a hope that the change will happen.

Just a Toy.

.

.

.

.

Life was so perfect then. I used to lay peacefully on the top shelf, watch other mates getting picked or rather they choosing people. Like everyone else, I wished to be taken by the right person. Then one day, when you walked in, picked me up and took me to your place. That was the happiest day of my life. Toy’s day. I was very popular, wanted to be possessed by many but no one other than yew got the chance.

Everything was going great. We had our good and bad times. You loved me, spent time with me, and treated me like anything but just a toy. Then came the day when I realized ii no more grabbed your attention. I was at the corner, not even sure of what drove yew away. Was it someone else? Was it some other toy? I was simply in dark.

Now gone are the days when ii wanted to be with you, when ii thought of laying in your arms and seeing you smile at me, when ii thought of staying with you forever. I see the world now, loud and clear. On that top shelf, ii had a view so unclear of reality. You brought me face to face with the cruel world. I wish ii had stayed on that shelf. I better had not come down. I would have preferred being finished off without going through all this rough time, without getting picked.. But nothing can be done now. All ii hope that now you leave me in dark forever. I don’t want to be picked up one day and humiliated in front of other species when they laugh at me while you tell them about the times ii entertained you. Because when you’ll be done, ii know I’ll be thrown away again. To be picked again.

And again and again.

Whichever toy keeps you happy now, ii hope he doesn’t meet the same fate. I know one ought to get bored by one toy at a time but ii have some hope for that toy now. Because even though you got bored of me, ii didn’t get bored of you. I hope that toy means the same to you as you did to me. Its okay, what happened with me though. Was meant to happen, ii guess.

After all I’m just a toy. Destined to be treated like one.

Orientation

You say you love me,

But am confused

You say you need me,

But am confused

Unsure of what the truth is and what are lies,

Oh, am confused.

How do I react?

To what’s going all around

How do I perceive?

The actions and words that reach me

I can’t make out what you want

Dear Lord, am just confused.

Among all the transient demeanor,

Unhappiness is what I experience most

Even if am unsure of what we both want,

Grief remains indisputable

Consequently it comes down to one solution

Seems am not so confused anymore.

Sadistic Pleasure

Katie was confused, hell confused about her life. Love life, to be precise. She had been single for long and now she wanted, rather didn’t mind getting into a relationship so her emotions had been taking a toll on her lately.

She already had a guy in her life, whom she thought she liked. She was sure that she didn’t love him but she knew that she did have feelings for him because she hadn’t done things close to what all she did for that guy, to keep him happy. But she wasn’t sure of him for he was the “popular” one, the one who very well knew how to play his cards right with girls. She wanted him to take time to get to know her, get to understand her and vice versa but things seemed to be going from bad to worse. She wasn’t accepting the fact that the guy wasn’t right for her but deep down, she knew he wasn’t.  She knew the consequences she would have to face but still she kept going on.

When she thought about it, she realized that she was now in a habit to learn things the hard way. She found some sadistic pleasure in what all she was putting herself through. She knew if she fell real bad, she’ll get up but with new spirits and will never fall with the same mistake again. But for that to happen, she wanted to make sure that the mistake had to be big and cruel before it made her fall.

So having an absurd way to make herself strong, she was putting herself through the unnecessary pain and troubles. What she could never understand was why she was doing all this? She knew, in a way, that she was only making things difficult for herself and that she was just hurting herself even more but she chose to stick to it. Her past made her certain that she needed to make herself strong beyond any possibility of getting hurt from anyone and regarding anything. She would talk to the guy who would hurt her again and again, act like she was happy, would pamper him even when she felt the urge to tell him to leave her alone but she would just continue.

She would indifferently ignore the guy who would treat her right, merely because she couldn’t get herself to believe that someone would actually like her and would want to make her happy. She had fallen way many a times to give herself any importance in anyone’s life.

She was so used to not being pampered, not being taken care of that now she hardly cared if anyone did. And if anyone did do it, she would think it’s just for a matter of time because eventually they would stop. She felt the care and love was transient.

Not quite understanding why she expected way too much out of anybody, the thing which kept pushing her was the fact that she knew no one would ever be able to reach up to those high standards and so she only blamed herself and no one else for setting such high standards. But eventually, she was making it difficult for others to reach her.

She was confused, anguished, insecure, scared and messed up.

Well, so am ii !

Why would anyone, despite knowing the outcomes, would do this to themselves? If someone was unintentionally hurting themselves, it’s still understandable. But what Katie was doing to herself, is just plain confusing and weird.

Am insanely obscure about the necessity to do this to ourselves when we have a beautiful life, comprising of loving friends and family. If you have any possible answer or explanation as to why Katie does that to herself, feel free to suggest.

They parted, only, to never meet again.

Her phone rang. “I’ll be there in 10”, said the guy from the other side of the line. She kept the phone down, smiled to herself and started staring at the clock. Every second seemed like an hour for her. She felt like she was gonna meet him for the first time. A new HIM. A new HER. It was over the phone only, a few weeks back, when he said he loved her. It came as a surprise to her because she had never felt for him that way. He was just a friend to her, a good one. But she had taken it well. She had been told by people who knew her well that they were perfect for each other. They were “made for each other” material but she always took it as a joke until ofcourse he confessed. Surprisingly she didn’t think much of it, like how she’ll react, how she’ll behave around him et al. She was simply going with the flow. But she was glad to know that there was someone for her now, someone she knew she could count on whenever needed, someone who’ll not only cry for her but would cry with her. Having the secured feelings, she was on cloud nine. She was meeting him for the first time, after he had confessed.

 She recalled all texts that had been in her inbox, saying crap like ‘yew do this, so yew love him. Yew do that, so he loves yew’ which she had overlooked, now, made her smile. She remembered the times when they laughed together, cried together, fought with each other, tried to make up, times when they were happy. All the moments jogged in her mind, chasing each other playfully. She had lost track of time. And then, the doorbell rang. She ran towards the door and while unlocking it, her nostrils got filled with the cologne he wore. She loved his cologne, she realised. Letting him in, she got a little uncomfortable. Usually when a friend came over to her place, her roommate was around. But today, when she thought having her in the house would have helped, she was there, standing awkwardly in front of him.


After realising that an eerie silence had occupied the room, he started talking. Although she felt he sang to her. The way he spoke had changed, or maybe how she listened had. She was unsure of what was happening but she relished listening to him. They talked for next two hours, about every random thing like they always did. And when it was time for him to leave, she walked him to the door. Before heading out, he did the most unexpected thing. He took her in his arms, closed in on the distance between them and placed his lips gently on hers. Before she could react, he retreated his lips and smiled at her with his hands still around her waist. It was quick, but was gentle. She felt safe in his arms, safe like never before. Without taking another second, she kissed him. And this time, they kissed. A kiss full of love and passion. They stopped and he whispered ‘I love yew’ in her ears. She felt like the world bowed to her. In his words, she found herself. But she couldn’t get herself to say anything. She needed some time to take in whatever had happened. So she simply smiled and then they parted.


Only to never meet again.


At mid-night, she called him. After they had shared a few greetings, she was about to tell him for what she had called, to tell him she loved him too, but before she could say anything, he interrupted her. His tone became serious and she bit her lip realising what was about to come might just not be the best thing for her to listen. And correct she was. The next second, her chest burned, her heart ached, and she was out of breath. She disconnected the line, forcing herself to stay conscious. Tears kept streaming down her face. She couldn’t believe her ears but when she did, she knew he wasn’t lying. She cried all night, thinking about the times - when they were happy. The moments that she thought of a few hours back, which had made her smile, now made her cry her eyes out.

She had stopped talking him or maybe he stopped talking to her, she didn’t know and she was contended. But now, none of that mattered. She refused to believe it, but deep down she knew she had fallen in love with him. She also knew that she would never be able to love again. It’s been 2 years now. The mourning has diminished but there are several days when all she does is to live her life normally only to come home at night, curl up in bed, and let her mind get filled with the echoes of the line he said on the phone and cry herself to sleep.

Only to come home, curl up in bed and cry.

He had said, “I think I have feelings for Ria. The girl I met at the bar last week.”

Today is just another one such day.

Has it EVER dawned on yew why yew cry over the past?

Have yew ever thought of sharing your pain after yew had decided that no one ever will be genuinely interested, because that’s how the world is ? People are only interested in your BS if either they have something to relate with their life or they get some juicy gossip.


Life is unfair. MILLIONS of times we have heard that but yew say that the million and one-th time won’t make a difference. Just realising that life isn’t easy doesn’t make it any simpler. And those who say it does, are either idiots or too strong to forgive.


It takes strength to forgive, ii agree but ii also agree that maybe then, ii don’t have that much strength. The bad times ii have been through, every now and then make me cry my eyes out. And ii don’t see why people keep saying that don’t cry over the past? What else are we supposed to cry about then?


You can share your pain with people, but why to? As if anyone cares.


Pain ii have been through? It’ s pretty much normal - being dumped (not quite dumped but close to it), being called a slut, a stalker, a hypocrite, a liar and almost all sorts of BAD things. Disappointing parents, breaking other’s heart, topping a million of people’s hit list, backstabbed by friends. Sounds very USUAL, doesn’t it?


Well honestly, ii typed all of those in detail and trust me, it didn’t seem anywhere near to normal pain that a teenager puts up with. Yes, there are millions out there who have faced worse than ii have - matter of life and death, matter of home and food and all that. But ii don’t think ii really wanna get there atm. Anyway, ii couldn’t put that detailed drama here because ii realised am not ready to blurt that out here just yet. Maybe, some other day. Not that ii worry if someone might read, coz hardly any one reads my blog (yea, cry baby ii am). But ii just don’t wanna share my pain. :| That’s how ii am. ii just don’t share my pain with anyone. No one has ever even given a reason for me to, and those who made me do it, ended up hurting me. This was like, 4 years back so ever since then, ii haven’t shared my pain with anyone.


And yes, all this might seem very casual, like it happens with everyone. Maybe then, am not strong enough like everyone else. Maybe ii am just that person who has the dark feeling of coal overpowering because of which ii don’t see the diamonds in my life (ii read this line at some other blog. Don’t remember which one, but when ii do, i’ll put it up here). Maybe ii am just the weakest person on this earth because ii let these things get me every now and then. Like once in 3-4 months. Today is just another one such day when my barrier broke. ii have been crying since last night and ii desperately want it to stop, coz ii have an exam tomorrow which ii don’t wanna screw up. ii have tried everything, keeping myself busy by talking to friends, watching tv, listening to music, studying, crying, reading random blogs, tried sleeping. But NOTHING is working. So ii thought maybe writing would. ii feel better now, only ii don’t know for how long that will last. When ii talked to the friend, ii was pretty much okay for next one hour so lets see how long does this keep me from getting upset.


ii simply hope this day gets over soon

They say forget and forgive. But when one can’t forget, how can one forgive? That way, ii can say ii don’t forgive because ii never forget.

~ The day her heart changed ~

        

She was in high spirits to be giving the last exam of her high school. Little did she know that her spirits would die soon. She walked out of the gates, found her friends joking around. Surroundings were noisy, everyone busy deciding where they should party. And then she remembered. She had to confirm some news she had heard recently. Scrounging in crowd, she finally spotted her batch mate. With all the courage she could gather, she walked up to him, carefully chose her words and said, “I heard your brother isn’t well. Is everything all alright?” He could sense the tension lingering in the air but he instantly replied, “He’s good”.  That was when she knew she had to say it, so taking another deep breath she rephrased, “Is he  ...umm... suffering from  ...” and he knew what she was talking about. With her question hanging incompletely, he answered, “yes. But how do you know?”

She only heard him say ‘yes’ and rest of his words disappeared in thin air. Her mind went numb. She didn’t know what to say, how to react – to him, to her own self, to the situation. She just turned around and started walking. And before she knew, she was crossing her friends without hearing their continuous calls and in some time, she was home.  She rang the bell and her mother answered the door. There must have been something her mother had seen on her face that she didn’t say a word. She quietly went her room where she sat on her bed, staring blankly in air. She didn’t look up when her mother came to sit beside her.

Her mother wasn’t expecting her anytime soon, since she knew it was the last exam and it was positive that she would go out with her friends but there she was; her face looked scared. She put her arm around her daughter and her daughter suddenly cuddled in her arms and started crying. In between the loud sobs, she heard her say, “Kunal has blood cancer”.  And she said no more for she knew nothing could help her daughter other than crying. So, she let her do so.

Kunal was her senior. She became a good friend of his in a very short period of time. He was the sweetest guy she had ever seen, with a caring heart like no other. They became friends on a random day and had talked often since then. He had proposed to her but she never thought of him as more than a friend so they remained friends. But ever since he had proposed her, she started to feel a little bugged with his flirting and mostly because she knew she was hurting him every moment she talked to him. She knew it was difficult for him but she couldn’t do anything. She got irritated and often she ended up being rude to him; without any intention to do so. And that was why she was crying.

All day and the night that followed, she sat in her dark room and cried. She was angry with God for what he did to him. He didn’t deserve all that and on top of it, why had He made her go through all that. Knowing that she had hurt a dying heart killed her too. More than God, she was angry with herself.

The only time she had stopped crying was when her father entered her room. In a chat for less than few minutes, because also he knew nothing could help her, he told her to be strong and face the reality. He asked her to make best of the opportunity; now at least she knew the truth and she could, as a minimum, try to make upto him. Then he walked out, leaving her alone to deal with the situation.

She was angry, scared, sad, wounded and helpless at the same time. She cried herself to sleep and when she woke up next morning, she found Kunal waiting for her in the drawing room. She couldn’t gather the courage to face him but she had to. She had decided last night that she would be strong and she would do anything to keep him happy now. Her heart still aching, she pulled herself out of the bed, washed her face and sat in front of him. For a few minutes, there was deafening silence in the room. He was the one to speak, “how are you?” She couldn’t believe her ears; the guy who was suffering from a terminal disease is asking her how she was? She felt a lump in her throat and all she could do was to nod at his question. Another period of silence. And then, he finally talked.

“Please, don’t cry. I have come to terms in dealing with it and I don’t know how you got to know but I am glad I don’t have to hide it from you anymore. It’s saddening, I agree, but nothing can be done. Am living happily and that’s what I want from you to. I want you to be happy and cheerful like you always are. Don’t let this affect you in any way because I know you’ll always be with me, even when am irritating. And I want nothing more.” She sighed at that. She stood up and went to sit beside him. And for the first time she looked straight in his eyes. She could see fear in his eyes - fear of death, fear of losing his friends, fear of losing his family. She just sat there, staring at him for she had no words to say. So he continued, “Don’t worry. I am going through treatment and hopefully I’ll be fine one day. I want to stay happy and not waste any moment being sad so please, cheer up. Let’s not talk about this ever again and lead our lives normally.”

After sitting with her for few more hours, he left. She felt little better for all the things he had said but she still couldn’t believe; how can God create such a guy with a pure heart like that and not let him live? But like he said, nothing can be done. Accepting the harsh reality, she decided it was time she got up and continued with her life because that was the best she could do. From then on, she made sure that she told people how good they were, how lucky she was to have them in her life, and how lucky they were to have a good life. And from that very day, her view had changed.