Reading between the lines

Often we befriend a person, a person who changes our life for forever. In a bad or good way, that's upto you how you read between the lines.

The ones we remember are usually the ones who change it in a bad way.

It's strange that we often spend more time thinking about those who hurt us than those who heal.

Nevertheless, we think about them. About ourselves. About them and ourselves. Sometimes, it's a relief what happened, more often it's not.

"I never thought that you would ever do that
Everything we had is gone
You said you love me, said you'll never leave
Maybe I just heard you wrong" - Shayne Ward - Damaged

 

Cliche story most of the times. It starts off as friendship, over the time it becomes strong. And just when you start feeling safe around that person, life happens. One betrays the other. Not in a typical-bollywood-betrayal-way. But in a typical-this-is-life-way.

And the betrayal leaves us wounded for longer than its supposed to be okay. 

That is when you start to wonder what went wrong. Was it you? Or the other person?

Was it evident from the beginning what was gonna happen but you were too busy reading between the lines that you missed what was right in front of you. Hope, can either do good or can make you look like a complete jerk. 

And then, after wondering for a looonnngggg time you give up. The only question remains, 'Why? Why would you do this to me?' Every other question from the past renders useless. 'Why?' is the only question you want an answer to. For the time being. 

It's a long trail of questions to which you might never find an answer to, questions that haunt us and will keep doing so.

In return, it's either their silence or their wrath. How you interpret both, is on how you read between the lines.

Our whole life is about reading between the lines. All the answers are between the lines.

Torpid

She is at a point where thinking feels like a punishment to her. She was not exactly happy. She was not sad either. She was just okay.

But her mind is tired. Tired of thinking what went wrong. Tired of thing about all the Whys and Hows. Tired of thinking altogether. For once in her life, the moment she started to think about the whole thing, her mind went like "Shit Happens" and that's it.She had lost her job. She had lost her boyfriend. And there she was, lying on her bathroom floor waiting for a reason to get up. She wasn't crying. She was just lying there doing nothing. Not even thinking.

She thought she was going to get promoted but the recession caused her to lose her job. That one thing, till now, had been her source of distraction from the fights and shouting and finally the break up. But now, she had all the time in the world. Time to think. Time to contemplate.She was so tired of thinking that the moment she started to think, it made her sick in her stomach. Thought of her ex made her feel like someone was stabbing her with a fork. Not because she had started hating him but because he had now become a guy from her past. She had spent way too long a time with him to think of only herself. Alone. 

She took the path that every girl takes. She spoke to her friends about him. She spoke to them because it kept her from talking to him. At that point, talking about him seemed easier than talking to him. She spoke to them because when they cursed him, for a little time, it made her feel good about herself.

Sometimes she used to chat with her ex, whenever he texted first. The talked revolved him and his life. She never spoke to him about her feelings. Which was making her heart ache. For last 9 years, she had spoken only to him about her feelings. He had been there, to listen to her, to hug her and to wipe her tears. And now her heart was overflowing with feelings but he was not around.

She could have spoken to him but she chose not to. She could have told him how much she missed him, how much she missed holding his hands, lying in his arms quietly, watching him sleep. She could have told him how much she missed him. But telling him all that meant she would fall apart. Her job kept her busy so she had no time to fall apart. It kept her sane.

But now that her job was gone, she didn't know what to do.

Hours pass by. She still doesn't move or cry or think. And then with a jerk, she gets up. She walks upto her bed, switches on her laptop and starts finding herself a new job. She needs a distraction.Because she doesn't  have the strength to fall apart. She just does not have that much of strength.

shock. numb. wait. pain - You can't escape it

Some things in life, you can’t escape. Life is tough. People come and people go. Very few stay. Those who leave either affect us or they don’t. The ones, who do affect us, leave a long period of moaning behind them, for us to walk through.

You spend days, nights, hours, weeks, months wondering what went wrong. With you or with them. They leave you, and in an instance everything falls apart. Just one moment. One second. In that one second, you get a shock. Shock so unexpected, you feel numb. No thoughts come to your mind. Brain stops working, it doesn’t tell you how to react. So you don’t react. You wait, wait for your brain to give some message, some direction to react, but nothing happens. You try to instruct your eyes to shed some tears. But again, nothing. Numbness grips every cell in your body. You just wait and try to live your life. Days pass, you’re still numb. And you just wait.

And then one day, after weeks or months of waiting, numbness loosens its grip. That is when pain takes over. Excruciating pain.  That is when everything comes back, every single thing that shocked you, comes back to haunt you bringing with itself so much pain that every bone in your body feels it. Your brain feels it. And again, you wait for your brain to help you deal with the pain. But it doesn’t help, because brain’s itself in pain. And so, your heart is in pain. And then your stomach. And slowly, every single part of your body. Eyes start to feel it too. Then they shed tears.

Your mind is screwed up. It needs someone to comfort it, love it, to remove its anger on, to abuse and every possible thing. You try everything. But nothing helps. Nothing will.

You can’t escape it. Any part of it. You can try, do anything to skip the pain part, but nothing will help. You just can’t escape it. Because what made you numb affected you SO much. When someone gives up on you easily, specially when you've tried read hard to not give up on them. That affects you real bad. Nothing will be like before, it’ll either be better or worse. You can only hope it goes the former way.

They parted, only, to never meet again.

Her phone rang. “I’ll be there in 10”, said the guy from the other side of the line. She kept the phone down, smiled to herself and started staring at the clock. Every second seemed like an hour for her. She felt like she was gonna meet him for the first time. A new HIM. A new HER. It was over the phone only, a few weeks back, when he said he loved her. It came as a surprise to her because she had never felt for him that way. He was just a friend to her, a good one. But she had taken it well. She had been told by people who knew her well that they were perfect for each other. They were “made for each other” material but she always took it as a joke until ofcourse he confessed. Surprisingly she didn’t think much of it, like how she’ll react, how she’ll behave around him et al. She was simply going with the flow. But she was glad to know that there was someone for her now, someone she knew she could count on whenever needed, someone who’ll not only cry for her but would cry with her. Having the secured feelings, she was on cloud nine. She was meeting him for the first time, after he had confessed.

 She recalled all texts that had been in her inbox, saying crap like ‘yew do this, so yew love him. Yew do that, so he loves yew’ which she had overlooked, now, made her smile. She remembered the times when they laughed together, cried together, fought with each other, tried to make up, times when they were happy. All the moments jogged in her mind, chasing each other playfully. She had lost track of time. And then, the doorbell rang. She ran towards the door and while unlocking it, her nostrils got filled with the cologne he wore. She loved his cologne, she realised. Letting him in, she got a little uncomfortable. Usually when a friend came over to her place, her roommate was around. But today, when she thought having her in the house would have helped, she was there, standing awkwardly in front of him.


After realising that an eerie silence had occupied the room, he started talking. Although she felt he sang to her. The way he spoke had changed, or maybe how she listened had. She was unsure of what was happening but she relished listening to him. They talked for next two hours, about every random thing like they always did. And when it was time for him to leave, she walked him to the door. Before heading out, he did the most unexpected thing. He took her in his arms, closed in on the distance between them and placed his lips gently on hers. Before she could react, he retreated his lips and smiled at her with his hands still around her waist. It was quick, but was gentle. She felt safe in his arms, safe like never before. Without taking another second, she kissed him. And this time, they kissed. A kiss full of love and passion. They stopped and he whispered ‘I love yew’ in her ears. She felt like the world bowed to her. In his words, she found herself. But she couldn’t get herself to say anything. She needed some time to take in whatever had happened. So she simply smiled and then they parted.


Only to never meet again.


At mid-night, she called him. After they had shared a few greetings, she was about to tell him for what she had called, to tell him she loved him too, but before she could say anything, he interrupted her. His tone became serious and she bit her lip realising what was about to come might just not be the best thing for her to listen. And correct she was. The next second, her chest burned, her heart ached, and she was out of breath. She disconnected the line, forcing herself to stay conscious. Tears kept streaming down her face. She couldn’t believe her ears but when she did, she knew he wasn’t lying. She cried all night, thinking about the times - when they were happy. The moments that she thought of a few hours back, which had made her smile, now made her cry her eyes out.

She had stopped talking him or maybe he stopped talking to her, she didn’t know and she was contended. But now, none of that mattered. She refused to believe it, but deep down she knew she had fallen in love with him. She also knew that she would never be able to love again. It’s been 2 years now. The mourning has diminished but there are several days when all she does is to live her life normally only to come home at night, curl up in bed, and let her mind get filled with the echoes of the line he said on the phone and cry herself to sleep.

Only to come home, curl up in bed and cry.

He had said, “I think I have feelings for Ria. The girl I met at the bar last week.”