Torpid

She is at a point where thinking feels like a punishment to her. She was not exactly happy. She was not sad either. She was just okay.

But her mind is tired. Tired of thinking what went wrong. Tired of thing about all the Whys and Hows. Tired of thinking altogether. For once in her life, the moment she started to think about the whole thing, her mind went like "Shit Happens" and that's it.She had lost her job. She had lost her boyfriend. And there she was, lying on her bathroom floor waiting for a reason to get up. She wasn't crying. She was just lying there doing nothing. Not even thinking.

She thought she was going to get promoted but the recession caused her to lose her job. That one thing, till now, had been her source of distraction from the fights and shouting and finally the break up. But now, she had all the time in the world. Time to think. Time to contemplate.She was so tired of thinking that the moment she started to think, it made her sick in her stomach. Thought of her ex made her feel like someone was stabbing her with a fork. Not because she had started hating him but because he had now become a guy from her past. She had spent way too long a time with him to think of only herself. Alone. 

She took the path that every girl takes. She spoke to her friends about him. She spoke to them because it kept her from talking to him. At that point, talking about him seemed easier than talking to him. She spoke to them because when they cursed him, for a little time, it made her feel good about herself.

Sometimes she used to chat with her ex, whenever he texted first. The talked revolved him and his life. She never spoke to him about her feelings. Which was making her heart ache. For last 9 years, she had spoken only to him about her feelings. He had been there, to listen to her, to hug her and to wipe her tears. And now her heart was overflowing with feelings but he was not around.

She could have spoken to him but she chose not to. She could have told him how much she missed him, how much she missed holding his hands, lying in his arms quietly, watching him sleep. She could have told him how much she missed him. But telling him all that meant she would fall apart. Her job kept her busy so she had no time to fall apart. It kept her sane.

But now that her job was gone, she didn't know what to do.

Hours pass by. She still doesn't move or cry or think. And then with a jerk, she gets up. She walks upto her bed, switches on her laptop and starts finding herself a new job. She needs a distraction.Because she doesn't  have the strength to fall apart. She just does not have that much of strength.