Could She?

The world is discussing violence

It’s discussing nudity

It is also discussing obscenity, porn, women, and feminism

What it’s not discussing is how a woman feels about being discussed

Individuality is lost

In the mid of all the angst

Too many issues at hand

Too many people to discuss with

She sits in the corner and mourns

Her innocence shattered

Her patience tested

Her body conferred

Her opinions ignored

She sits in the corner and contemplates

Should she fight?

Should she let go?

Should she raise the voice?

Or all her thoughts she should forgo?

Question is,

Could she?

"True" love story.

Love Story: It’s definition (I googled) is “a tale of lovers”.

But, that’s not my concern. The idea for this blog randomly struck my mind when I saw the words “true love story” and it got me wondering. True love story, as such, has no definition.

Who decides though? Which love story is true and which is untrue? Romeo & Juliet, Cleopatra & Mark Antony , Laila & Majnu, Salim & Anarkali and some more tragic love stories are few that are considered to be ‘true’.  The stories with sad endings. And then there are movies depicting the unconditional love between a couple where one partner is diagnosed with some terminal disease eventually or the ship they are travelling in hits an ice berg and sinks.

As much as I love sappy sad stories, I hate how our notion of true love stories has now become the very idea of someone sacrificing their life either waiting for ‘the one’ or devoting their life to a dying loved one.

"True love stories never have endings."

And then there are these quotations which frame such very notion of true love in our brains.

Whatever happened to our childhood when true love meant our parents fighting ever second day and then making up to each other the next? The constant nagging and arguments followed by “ladte wo hi hain jo pyaar karte hain”. Rather, our grandparents. The time when the women in the house wore a pallu over their head and had meek expressions with eyes that never met their husband’s (atleast when they were not alone). That was also love, true one for that matter but only in a way now alien to us.

Fortunately, I haven’t seen the tragic ones around me. But when I see an old couple walking together at a market or a mall, I look at them and think that is true love. I see my parents, and there I see true love. I see my friends who sometimes fall out of relationships but I know their love was true, only it just didn’t work out. Because sometimes it’s not meant to work out. And sometimes, true love stories do end.

It was always her.

She woke up to her phone ringing.
"Hello", she muttered in her sleepy voice.
"Hi, you sound so cute. I just called you to apologize for last night and wish you morning."
"Morning", she replied with a smile on her face. "Let me get up and give you a call back?" she asked.
"Sure babe. I'll be waiting", Jay replied.

She dragged herself out of her comfortable bed and walked to the restroom. She started brushing her teeth.
"Hmm, that wasn't so bad. Maybe I can get used to this." She smiled again. After freshening up, she went to the kitchen. Caffeine was desperately needed. She decided that she'll call him later. There were other important things she had to care of before talking to him that day. She needed to think about what had happened the last night, and exactly why.

Jay and Aria had been dating for a few months now. Their's was a relationship that grew out of new friendship, they had known each other a few months before they decided they both liked each other. It was going great, until last night. Last night, they had their first real fight.
Jay was a sincere guy. He knew he wanted to be with Aria from the day he had met her. No one had understood him the way she had. No one ever will, was what he always believed. Aria, on the other hand, was a carefree girl. She wasn't used to giving much heed to emotions and feelings. She took everything as it came to her. She was smart enough to expect the least out of people, to not put her faith in anyone. She started dating Jay because she liked him just the same. He made her happy. She was reluctant initially, thinking that Jay was too sweet to handle someone like her. She was too strong with her ideals and her rules. But she still went ahead with it.
Yesterday's fight was about her insecurities, her expectations which had started to rise without her acknowledging them. It was a silly reason though. He had apologized and he tried to reason with her. In her heart, she knew he was right but she was hurt. She didn't understand why. And she ended up being really pissed, more at herself than at him. She tried real hard, but she couldn't keep the thought out of her mind that maybe it was a mistake, her relationship. Maybe they were not ready. Maybe he was not able to handle. Or maybe, it was her. She was unable to handle all the emotions and she was caught in the turmoil. She wasn't used to expecting anything at all from anyone but now she was expecting, and getting disappointed. But it was noone's fault for her expectations were unrealistic and she knew it. All the anger was hurting her from the inside and she had no one to go to. That's why she ended up fighting with him.


Caffeine helped her think straight. She needed to figure how to make things right. Reflecting upon everything that had happened last night, that she said and whatever he had explained, she finally accepted that she was very wrong. She needed to let a lot of things go and get used to being disappointed a few times here and there. After all, he had a life of his own and he won't do everything according to her. That's why she's always hated being involved with someone, she wanted things her own way and when that didn't happen, she used to get pissed. But the way he had handled her anger last night, the way he had tried to make her understand, she knew noone else would have done that.
Maybe it was never him or anyone. She was highly wrong in thinking that he won't be able to handle her in a relationship. It was her. Always have been.
She was not able to handle herself like that, like the way being with Jay was changing her. Yesterday was not about disappointment, it was about facing the reality.

the Devil in me

Every coin has two sides. And this is the devil side of me.
A side that every one has but no one has the guts to accept. A sin, no one wants to take responsibility for.

If I ever write my own story, it'll start like this -
"Once upon a time, a girl found out that she turned out to be a wrong person"

There possibly might not be anything that's good about me. I'm selfish, and yes I never deny that fact.
I'm arrogant. You can't just piss me off and expect me to treat you like honeycomb.
My modesty is overshadowed by my facial expressions that usually suggest that I'm showing attitude towards you.
Well honestly, your face isn't exactly what I wish to see for long. So don't be surprised if I choose to look at the ground or anywhere else in the air while talking to you.
I'm not here to please you, so don't even get the vague idea that I'm trying to impress you by bragging or lying about anything.
I'm an adult lady. Yes I get horny. And I don't make efforts to hide it or cover it. No one is a kid here and hypocrisy is not my thing.
I care about anyone and everyone, only because of the values instilled in me by my parents, not because you are very dear to me.
I am a woman of words. Unless I say anything out loud, I don't mean it. So don't even dare to think I love you if I have never said it. Chances are, I'll never say it too.
I might talk to you day and night, but no, I won't end up feeling for you. If I can not feel for you after talking so much, then you can also do the same.
Yes, a lot of guys have asked me out. They might want me for all the good or the bad reasons. But hey, there are no bad reasons. So they want me for my body. That's something to be proud of, not ashamed of. Just because they want it, doesn't mean they get it.
After all, talking to every other guy or lusting over them doesn't make a girl a whore, sleeping with everyone does.
For those who love me for my mind, very frankly, I don't get it. You people don't know me. You cannot know a person in a few months. You cannot take the worst of me. What makes you think that you love me for my mind?
Nevertheless, I still respect your feelings. It's not easy to feel for someone and to reason with it, so I won't ask for reasons. So thank you for giving a piece your heart and mind to me.
But don't get so worked up that I've had a lot of guys to ask me out and never say yes. I don't say a yes not because I'm very proud or anything, I don't say a yes because I don't feel for you, simple as that. And it won't be fair on my part if I know that you feel for me but I don't and still decide to go out with you.
I do fantasize. I do wanna smash a girl's head only because she irritates me with her high pitched voice. I do wanna spill food on a better dressed girl because she gets to look hotter than I do. I am jealous of pretty girls. Or girls without acne, with perfect hair.
I am egoistic. Very. You cannot target my self respect and expect me to not react.
My self respect is above any of you.

I might be the most arrogant bitch in the whole world, but I'm not a liar. Whatever I am, I accept.
Honesty goes a long way with me. Be a liar, be arrogant, be a pervert. But if you're honest, you are still tolerable.

Hate me all you want. And fathom the immensity of fuck I do not give.

- Girl you 'should' be afraid your parents will meet.

Alterations

The thing with happiness is, too much of that, and you get bored of it.

The thing with sadness is, too much of that, and you get used to it.

There comes a time when you know you’ve tried everything- keeping yourself busy, distracted by talking to a lot of people, flirting, socializing- but nothing seems to work. Even if it does, the extent is very little. No matter what or who, nothing except time can help you move on.

No matter how hard you try to forget certain people in your life, small things they did, typical words or places full of memories of them, life has a funny way of reminding it to you in some manner.

One small move or gesture sends you on a roller coaster ride to your past. Long walks on beach, sitting in the balcony for hours, listening to music, playing guitar, nothing helps. Their thought stays stuck in your head.

Thought of you being together.

Thought of you never thinking of growing apart.

Thought of spending a considerable amount of time with them for you to cherish for the rest of your life.

Thought that never occurred that one day everything will get fucked up.

When everything seems to be going according to plan, when things feel too good to be true, you’ve definitely missed out on something. A screw up is bound to happen.

Helplessness is all you have left.

That. Is. Life.

You wait. And wait.

You wait for a change of course in your life’s events, people or surroundings. Desperate need of vacations persist. You hate change throughout your life but this is the time when every part in your body longs for a change. A change so drastic that it will tear away the old memories and help the new ones to bloom.

And you live in a hope that the change will happen.

Without You

Without you, things were perfect in the past,
life was smooth like some magic was cast
then the clouds came, with them the heavy rain,
which poured down on me causing me pain
darkness descended around, like a cloak,
in little time, my mind felt a stroke
though ii survived what life had to extend,
no matter how worse it got, ii tried to fend
a not-so-good experience it might have been,
i'll learn from it, of that am very keen
having you with me, that memory i'll always behold,
it was a bad story, that'd always be told
life is getting back on track now,
how much happy ii find myself to be,makes me go, "wow"
the situation, in it, had a peculiar humor, 
But without you, things will be perfect in future .!

s.o.u.l.m.a.t.e.

Yes,

I've met my soulmate.

Yes,

I agree we won't ever be together.

Yes,

I accept that HE is the one for me, and there's no one else I can be absolutely compatible with.

But life has its own ways.
We both are happy in our lives. We both moved on, have separate lives.
He has a girlfriend, I don't want a boyfriend. Because after having him, I won't settle for any less and there can never be anyone better than him.And the circumstances I went through, for so many years, I know I won't accept him in my life again.

but Yes,

I very well know the fact that we were meant to be together.

He Says

I wanna talk to him but I don't wanna talk unless he replies to my questions. There are so
many of them, left unanswered.
He's being so strange suddenly, sometimes soft sometimes  hard - on me and himself as
well. He says, he was always this way but I know he wasn't. He says he cares, but I
never see him care. He says he loves me, but I never feel his love. He says he'll try but I
never witness him trying. He says he's always with me but when I am low and I need
someone to talk to, he's never around. He says he doesn't mind me talking to other guys
but when I do, he gets angry. He says I fight with him but its always me who tries to
massage his ego. He says I am immature but he's the one who wants to be taken care of
like a child. He says he always speaks the truth but there were times when he lied. He
says who else will he share everything with but I see him sharing his life with others
more than with me. He says he never forces me but all I ever experience is doing things
forcibly. He says he understand and he'll never do it again but "again" doesn't seem to
mean anything to him. He says he's interested in my life but when I think about it, am sure
he knows nothing about the on-goings in my life. He says he wants us to be together but
he drifts himself apart. He says he feels like talking but it's always me who initiates.
He says I don't understand him but I do.


And
He says he knows me but does he not know what I am going through ?

He says so much that now am unable to believe him. Only because all he ever does is
SAY.

A Tiring Night

She wakes up, startled by the alarm. Rubbing the sleepy eyes with back of her hand, she crawls out of the bed, walks to the window and stares at the secluded tree.  Weather’s pleasant, she notices. Admiring how the leaves, the flowers are enjoying and living in the moment, forgetting about the harsh sun, dancing with joy welcoming the spring, she concentrates on the leaves swinging side by side. And then, she gets a flashback of last night.

It was tough, last night.  She had a headache, was sleep deprived but all that seemed secondary. Primarily, she was supposed to humor a friend, who had a bad mood swing and he was full of anger. And the anger was for no one other than her. She brushes the thoughts away instantly, pivots around and walks to her washroom. After taking a shower, she goes to her kitchen, looks around wondering what she should eat in breakfast but settles for a cup of strong cold coffee. She makes herself a coffee and her heart smiles at the sweet scent of caffeine. She decides to spend some time thinking what happened last night over the cup of coffee. And so, she goes in her balcony, settles on the floor comfortably and takes the first sip. That is when she realises last night was indeed tough because among all those secondary issues, empty stomach was another one. But carrying on with the coffee, she starts to brush up her memory. What had happened last night ?

It started off good, with them talking casually about random stuff like they always did. And then suddenly he got irritated, because of an answer she gave which she got to know of later. He had asked, “say, did yew miss me all day ?” and she had replied, “yew know what am gonna say.”  Well o’course he knew, she had said the same thing hundreds of times, only because he had asked hundred times. She hated disappointing people but furthermore, she hated lying. She couldn’t get herself to say the truth that she hadn’t and also, she had no intentions of lying to him and say that she did. And that’s how she’s always been with everyone. But he got irritated, hating that he wasn’t being answered straight and also sort of despising the way she treated him. He wasn’t used to being treated anything close to normal especially by the person he was treating specially. But she didn’t seem to be perturbed by that for she was used to being treated special, not because she was beautiful or rich or anything, but she was a very sweet person. She was exactly what her friends wanted her to be, though to some extent. She was the saint and the sinner at the time. One moment, she was rude saying all the callous things and the very next moment, she said cute things making the person feel comforted. But that’s how she was. She was sweet, because she couldn’t see her friends being upset but also she was a no-nonsense person so putting up with the mushy-mushy stuff & flirting wasn’t a long term thing for her. And the very fact, that she was very straight forward helped her escape the guilt of not being herself with the friend.

Her thoughts are evaded by a beep. A text message, but she ignores. So, her friend was mad all the time, almost on the verge of abusing her but it was all very amusing for her. She was being shouted at, for being the person she was. Ask her serious questions, she’ll give straight and sorted answers but ask her if she misses yew, if she loves yew, if she cares about yew et al, wasn’t really her thing. And it was funny, because she had simply been his friend for around 2-3 months. When she makes any new friend, she usually spends 5-6 months pampering them till the time she realises she can’t take anymore. She gets to her no-nonsensical form & the person accuses her of changing. And she feels like snapping at them saying, “People never change, yew just get to know them better. You saw my sweet side, now meet the real me”. Most of the times, people prefer to leave her alone once they get acquainted to her other side. But that wasn’t the problem with him.

It took her time to get there but with him, she didn’t take more than 4-5 days to be her true self, flashing off her no-nonsensical side. Perhaps because she was aware that the guy is already pampered much and pampering him anymore won’t be much fun. She didn’t think all of that; the way she was with him came to her naturally. And there she was, last night, laughing at him yet again trying to make him feel better and chuck all the anger. For the first time with him, she had put her thoughts in words. In order to explain him, she told him very openly that she felt he was judgemental and immature. She was very well aware of the fact how others treat him but she didn’t feel he was worth all that. He was nice, no doubt, but being coddled like that, he wasn’t that big a thing. So she ended up telling him what exactly he didn’t wanna listen but getting straight answers from her seemed to make him content.

So that was all she told him last night. That she wanted him to be himself, be true to her. The only reason she didn’t say all that before was because she knew he was so desperate to be in her good books, like he was desperate for being in everyone else’s, that he was willing to change himself. But changing someone is the last thing she’d ever want from anyone. She wanted to accept him, and all her friends as for that matter, the way he truly was.

All of that seemed to lighten his mood. Now what she wasn’t sure of was why was she being like this with him from such an early point? By that time, her coffee has almost finished and she decides to leave that thought at that and let time play its role. She’ll have her answers in some time, which she’s sure of. So getting up, thinking that last night must have been tiring but it gave her a chance to be proud of whom she was.  Wearing a smile on her face, she walks back in her house, looks around and suddenly starts processing all the chores she needs to get done with during that day. And her day finally begins.

# Love the way it hurts. #

Here comes the feeling again, the flavor of evacuation

I went online, came across your profile & that was my provocation

Sipping the coffee from my mug,

ii travel back the road where my thoughts are dug

It was all so good, all so   fine,

until you came back, claiming ii was still your spine

For sometime ii was reluctant, to hear your voice,

ii was afraid to get hurt again but you left me no choice

 Hearing you say my name, my N.I.C.K, ii melt 

even when you say you went through the same pain, and how you dealt,

I feel anger arousing, because my pain was acute and ii am certain, yours was not any close

but your stubborness insisted thats the lie ii chose
Going through everything was hard for me, but ii 

survived,

it might have forced me to change, but atleast ii never lied

In my own tears ii drowned,

no matter how much ii shout, only silence is the thing with which am crowned

When ii think of you and me today,

ii wonder there never was 'us' (♥), never meant to be, never that way

I feel that change in me pulls back,

to move ahead and let anyone else shrink that crack

You were my friend, my guardian, my everything ..you were the one ii trusted,

& now even though ii try, try hard, to mend and get back on crust
I agree you are a  FRIEND ii could never replace,
ii could never let anyone occupy your space

But now when you back in my life, after hurting me that big,

even though you apologise, it has no effect, not even worth a twig

I accept the fact that ii will never be able to have faith in anyone like ii had in you,

but things can never be like before, not even if ii make an attempt, not even if another chance ii give myself over you

I hope straightening out my mind gets any faster,

it's the dilemma that has me surrounded, but ii am my own thought's master

I choose to live with it, with the mess, live alone,

unless someone comes around who could hit me with his ♥ harder than the stone.

    

♥♥

Yea, ii admit : ii miss YOU, ii miss US, 

but ii can't think about those things anymore. 

ii gotta move on because this, 

this is 

P.O.I.N.T.L.E.S.S

:)

You are definitely the REASON ii am this way.