2010, Another Year Passed

A random question my mind asked
as the year 2010 has almost passed
if ii get a chance to go back and change
what in my past would ii want in exchange                                 


I think and think and think
with ugly moments my mind is occupied upto the brink
ii think about the times ii lied
times when not upto my potential ii tried


When ii sat back and simply cursed
my life, my fate - in complete darkness it was immersed
the times when ii hurt my closed ones
the times when ii was hurt in many turns


I think if its only in year 2010 that ii made mistakes
But then ii realise, it my whole life, last 18 years, that ii never had what it takes
I failed to be good daughter, a good student, a good sister, a good friend
lots of disappointments my close ones had to fend,in frustration all ii did was to offend


And amidst all the bad times, ii also think about when
ii was happy and cheerful, life was good then, that was the time
when ii had committed no crime

I see myself in mirror and smile                                                                    
maybe it was for best what happened because today ii am docile
it were the hard times, the bad moments, the failures that made me strong
to life's challenges, ii became sharp like a prong


Through the hardships,ii evolved to became strong and ii felt my confident profuse
As the 2010 passed, ii felt a fresh aura diffuse
into the ambiance
my tears evaporated with a dulcet incense


Another year of my life that passed, wasn't so bad after all
out of the bed, ii decide to crawl
looking at the twinkling stars, standing under the starry night
ii decide to hold my faith up tight


A sigh escapes my mouth
the bad thought, ii feel went for south
As the year 2010 passed, a random answer to a random question ii found
ii saw a new sun, the ray of hope and ii heard my heart pounding with a happy sound !

| Infatuation |

 

A giggle escapes my teeth,

when ii think about the fluttering butterflies, my stomach seethe           

Across the hall, ii see him chatting

talking to his friends, they're happily patting

An urge runs down my spine

to keep staring at him, the guy who's a sparkling shine

Captivated by the unknown factor

there's not a word to him ii wanna utter

I don't feel like giving up, i know i'vnt wasted my time

not wasted it believing, he could ever be mine

It's not a case of a friendship turned into love

so there's no chance of a heartbreak, not any dying dove

Thats why ii don't fear,

to keep gazing at him, ii know there won't be any tear

For a person like me, an extrovert

these sensations are new, as into words my thoughts instantly convert

To him, my feelings, ii don't share

he's a popular guy, who wouldn't care

Because ii know I'm not "higher class"

i'm something he would just surpass

This thought might get me disturbed,

but knowing that ii ain't making any effort, my emotions aren't perturbed

Somehow ii don't repent that ii aint making an attempt 

it's the gazing with which my heart is contempt

Coz with a try, there can be a friendship's creation

merely atm all ii want to experience, is a beautiful feeling called infatuation.  

                            

~ burial descends

It starts off with a *sigh,

followed by the emotions making me high

Sometimes, ii am speechless and there's emptiness in head,

and other times, its like the war of the dead

Its been so long, far too retentive,

our memories ii possess, but i've been so repulsive

No matter how much i deny,

ii have to agree that no one ever, that much made me cry

The way yew treated me, the way yew made me giggle,

the way we used to love and the way we used to fiddle

The endless talks we seemed to have, endless care we had

its those special moments together, that makes me even more sad

All day all night long, we used to talk and always doodle,

you were a gift in my life, yew were my poodle

Time seemed to stop when we were together, forever

ii wanted it to continue longer than EVER

But now ii know it was all cooked up in my mind,

because for yew, ii was just like the rest of the kind

I never meant anything to yew, the distance we travelled in unison,

in a matter of sometime, our friendship became your poison

Whenever ii listen to 'When you look me in the eye', ii cry,

tears don't seem to leave my lashes dry

Like sunshine in the rain, yew made my whole world fall apart,

yew have a life now, of which ii am no part

Ever since yew left, my life has been dark,

ii am devoid of love and with it the spark

Your love was like the rain on my earth,

ii guess like the drying seas, time yew had for me was always in dearth

In the depths of darkness, ii submerge

cz nothing seems right, now nothing can converge

God knows, every drop of water that fell from my eye was like a golden tear,

cz only yew had the light to make my darkness disappear

Since now ii don't have yew in my life, not the light,

grimness never leaves me, its grip is increasingly tight

I thought we were very close, that's all ii could ever perceive,

repugnant as it might be, ii guess it's time for me to believe

even if ii said the right thing, if ii said the wrong,

no matter what ii do, yew will always be gone

I took a fall, my heart did break,

it was a huge one, trusting yew was a mistake

But anything ii say or anyway ii behave,

ii know it only irrirates yew, its my absence for which yew crave
To see yew smile, ii bury my feelings deep 

as this cold night falls, ii pull the blanket of silence over me and drift to sleep.

Fainted Paint ~

Your face, a perfect painting        

 

sadly in my memory, itz fainting                           
But back in my subconscious mind
its held in a piece totally bind
You were the silly, mature and honest guy
who held me tight when I needed to cry
You were the smile on my face
that's now faded away, to my amaze
You used to be my shadow
everywhere in love, you used to follow
As your no longer around
I don't understand why am profound
You come and go so fast
like a wind, over and past
the stabbing pain remains, against the grain
Because I know you'll come back, to leave me again 

# Love the way it hurts. #

Here comes the feeling again, the flavor of evacuation

I went online, came across your profile & that was my provocation

Sipping the coffee from my mug,

ii travel back the road where my thoughts are dug

It was all so good, all so   fine,

until you came back, claiming ii was still your spine

For sometime ii was reluctant, to hear your voice,

ii was afraid to get hurt again but you left me no choice

 Hearing you say my name, my N.I.C.K, ii melt 

even when you say you went through the same pain, and how you dealt,

I feel anger arousing, because my pain was acute and ii am certain, yours was not any close

but your stubborness insisted thats the lie ii chose
Going through everything was hard for me, but ii 

survived,

it might have forced me to change, but atleast ii never lied

In my own tears ii drowned,

no matter how much ii shout, only silence is the thing with which am crowned

When ii think of you and me today,

ii wonder there never was 'us' (♥), never meant to be, never that way

I feel that change in me pulls back,

to move ahead and let anyone else shrink that crack

You were my friend, my guardian, my everything ..you were the one ii trusted,

& now even though ii try, try hard, to mend and get back on crust
I agree you are a  FRIEND ii could never replace,
ii could never let anyone occupy your space

But now when you back in my life, after hurting me that big,

even though you apologise, it has no effect, not even worth a twig

I accept the fact that ii will never be able to have faith in anyone like ii had in you,

but things can never be like before, not even if ii make an attempt, not even if another chance ii give myself over you

I hope straightening out my mind gets any faster,

it's the dilemma that has me surrounded, but ii am my own thought's master

I choose to live with it, with the mess, live alone,

unless someone comes around who could hit me with his ♥ harder than the stone.

    

♥♥

Yea, ii admit : ii miss YOU, ii miss US, 

but ii can't think about those things anymore. 

ii gotta move on because this, 

this is 

P.O.I.N.T.L.E.S.S

:)

You are definitely the REASON ii am this way.

.A Story To Tell.

Oh boi, how much I had wanted to scribble this down

Your story with mine that once wore the crown

It may have come to an end

Our empire may have took a bend

The talks of laughter still spread

Only if people knew how weak was our thread

For so long I kept thinking this was meant to last

Long enough that my life would past

It seemed so true and was persistence 

But maybe it was too echt for existence

How could have I missed

All the clues that God gave me which maybe I neglected

In the cecity of love around

As you spun me and lifted me off the ground

In your charm, I was lost

Completely, irrevocably and at all the cost

Only there was a moment that awaited 

For you to leave me, for my own good, as you stated

The separation, the plan, everything was devised

All the while you were desperate for farewell, as revised

It broke me, inside out

My heart was slayed, and I didn't shout

The times which conjoined that treachery

To my surprise, made me strong and ferry

I sailed to my destination

That was to believe that this world is not for hesitation

You had a chance to own me, merely you screwed up

I am a girl worth possessing, but yours is a half filled cup 

Oh wait, maybe you did succeed

Bcz when you left, 'I' was dead and never could proceed

I wished you ever had any care

My heart is still broken, broken beyond repair

I had to change all the directions

So that no path lead me to past, I took all precautions 

Though I have grown to be a strong

I still wonder if only I was wrong

You could always love a flower that died in a day

But you could never love me, who died with every delay

I don't know if I am over you or not

I do know now, love is not really my spot

All I can decipher is that I was dumb

But gladly, it made me numb

To my friends and people who loved my sweetened shelf

Most importantly, to my own self

Maybe it was for the best what befell

It's just my heartbreak that has a story to tell ..

  

. Growing with every fall .

        
                                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Its been high time now

For far too long I continued to bow

All my fears and fright

Kept me scared and I just couldn't fight

Slowly and slowly I kept failing

All my impuissances held me nailing

For everything that happened, I barred myself from acing

My awes, I could never help facing

I continued running away

In hopes that all bad times would fly

But in quandary I was arrest

Got defeated in almost every test

but with collapse of every night, a strong faith is born

I'll be a better person no matter how hard am torn.


(Trying continuously)
...