F.I.N.E

Every moment you look at me

I fake a smile so you won't see

It's only in you, for the part

You’re the only one who can break my heart

I found the truth in your eyes

Then I found out it was just a lie

In you I had found a reason to repair

A broken part of me, of which you seemed to care

In a swift moment the reason was gone

All the hope was mercilessly torn

I remember that moment, that time and place

Trying to picture your lovely gentle face

Holding your face, I think about that last kiss  

I had a feeling which maybe I miss

It's been a while since you went away

I still remember that very day

I wish we could go back to how it was

Writing each other letters, "Just Because"

But then the things you said cross my mind

And how easily you made me blind

Just one word, that you never ‘wanted’

Its all on you where we’ve landed

God knows that I tried

But with that one word, every part of me cried

My whole body sank to ground

And my whole world was dead, all around

I started doubting myself

And everything that had happened with us, it wasn’t all by itself

There’s still not a lot that I can think, maybe nothing has sank

I go out of words, totally blank

There’s only so many ways you can express your feeling

I was never good at it, I am always reeling

Within me there’s a riot

So out of all the things, I choose to stay quiet.

shock. numb. wait. pain - You can't escape it

Some things in life, you can’t escape. Life is tough. People come and people go. Very few stay. Those who leave either affect us or they don’t. The ones, who do affect us, leave a long period of moaning behind them, for us to walk through.

You spend days, nights, hours, weeks, months wondering what went wrong. With you or with them. They leave you, and in an instance everything falls apart. Just one moment. One second. In that one second, you get a shock. Shock so unexpected, you feel numb. No thoughts come to your mind. Brain stops working, it doesn’t tell you how to react. So you don’t react. You wait, wait for your brain to give some message, some direction to react, but nothing happens. You try to instruct your eyes to shed some tears. But again, nothing. Numbness grips every cell in your body. You just wait and try to live your life. Days pass, you’re still numb. And you just wait.

And then one day, after weeks or months of waiting, numbness loosens its grip. That is when pain takes over. Excruciating pain.  That is when everything comes back, every single thing that shocked you, comes back to haunt you bringing with itself so much pain that every bone in your body feels it. Your brain feels it. And again, you wait for your brain to help you deal with the pain. But it doesn’t help, because brain’s itself in pain. And so, your heart is in pain. And then your stomach. And slowly, every single part of your body. Eyes start to feel it too. Then they shed tears.

Your mind is screwed up. It needs someone to comfort it, love it, to remove its anger on, to abuse and every possible thing. You try everything. But nothing helps. Nothing will.

You can’t escape it. Any part of it. You can try, do anything to skip the pain part, but nothing will help. You just can’t escape it. Because what made you numb affected you SO much. When someone gives up on you easily, specially when you've tried read hard to not give up on them. That affects you real bad. Nothing will be like before, it’ll either be better or worse. You can only hope it goes the former way.

I choose to suck it up

The wise men say, "treat people the way you want to be treated."
Well, sure I treat people the way I wanna be treated. Just somehow, I don't get treated back like that.

You can sit all day, wondering whats wrong, whether its you or the people that that doesn't happen. You wonder whether you missed something while you were always trying to cheer someone else up, lighten someone's mood at the stake of yours, tried everything. But maybe that wasn't enough. Maybe you missed something, maybe the fact that you tried wasn't good enough, for that someone else.

No matter what you do, people won't care about you or your mood or anything related to you if they don't want to. You can either sit and be sad over it. Or be mad at them and fight about it. Or try and live in denial for sometime or maybe longer time or maybe for forever.
But the fact is, nothing will change.

So, I choose to go with none. I choose to suck it up and live with it.

Now. Then is past.

You know the feeling of getting tired of trying to constantly make someone understand you?

Of forgiving them again and again only to realize, after every few days, that the good times were an illusion.

Feeling of making a complete fool out of you? The time when you're so fed up of even reacting to it?

THAT.

I wanna rewind few months and stay there. :| 

Because the heart is a black box.

The past recurs in the smell of burning sugar; hints of it linger in the sound of certain words; or it unexpectedly takes shape in the back of a stranger’s head. Worst of all are the thoughts that form in the silence of the night, when the truth is hardest to ignore and one’s own culpability is undeniable. Then regret consumes me, and I feel the bitterness rise in my throat. But, even in the worst moments, there is this consolation: that you, too, can never forget.

Because the heart is a black box.

Every conquest, loss or rejection leaves its trace. We love according to what the heart has been taught. We love in the shadow – sometimes benign, sometimes malevolent – of every disappointment, betrayal or fulfillment. We love – and no god can control the feeling or mitigate the consequences.

This is an extract from the book The Obscure Logic of the Heart by Priya Basil that touched me.

There is no such thing as Happily Ever After.

I read an article this morning about Photographer Dina Goldstein who captured the imperfect world of the perfect princess and the perfect doll. Her Barbie walks in on her cheating husband Ken, who she discovers, is gay. Snow White’s marriage is a nightmare as she manages four kids without help, and her Prince Charming turns out to be an out-of-work sloth and Rapunzel has cancer, undergoes chemotherapy and loses her lovely locks.

In today’s world, our world of dark realities is far more pertinent than a fairytale we grew up believing in. Our banal notions of expecting too much out of a person and a relationship ends up screwing things which we fail to realize, rather accept.

Your expectations are your own problem, no one elses.

Can't Sleep It Off :|

Selfish.

Mean.

Liar.

Think only about yourself.

Pretend.

Few words you would never expect to hear from a few people. But when you do, everything seems to fall apart.

Anger subsides, you get over the sadness, but when you get hurt and hurt that bad, it’s not at all easy to push it at the back of your mind, let alone forget about it or not think of it.

And even after all this; you still can’t get yourself to hate those people. You can’t even think ill of them. You start thinking that they might be as miserable as you are, they might also be going through hell thinking what all you might have said. As a result you start doubting yourself and your self respect takes a downtrip to hell.

Have you spent crying yourself to sleep because of me? Have you blamed yourself over and over again? Have you thought of anything about how miserable I am? Have you thought how am coping with my problems all alone because you asked me to deal with them myself? I guess not.

Then you start to think that even if you said the bad things, you did apologize and they were nowhere near to what you got to hear in return. Also, even if you did say equally bad things, you did apologize. But the apology never came from the other side. Had it come, you wouldn’t have missed if even if it was not genuine, because in between all the crap, you were just looking out for one apology to make yourself believe that you’re not making a complete fool out of you.

Everything was so much easier when you didn’t want anyone by your side, you didn’t want anybody to hug you and stay with you while you cried thinking about your fears or insecurities.

Maybe it should stay that way – without the willingness to share anything with anybody or get anyone’s hug.

Life is cruel at times, after all.

Tyndall Effect.

Ever wondered what exactly “right time” or “right place” or “right manner” is?

I do wonder about that. But lately, all I wonder about is what exactly a “right thought” is?

Maybe it’s something that makes you feel better or something that makes other person feel better or maybe it’s something totally random. But why do we wish to know which thought is right or which one is wrong? Isn’t life supposed to be easy where everything turns our right? Eventually it does. Maybe.

Thoughts know no boundary, they keep on spreading. When do we know we need to stop our thoughts so that they stay right? How do we know we’re right?

Anddddd I have absolutely no idea what am writing K

What do you do when you realize that the only person you care about is hurting because of you?

I guess, you let go.

Or not?

A pause.

It always comes down to expectations. They practically ruin every goddamn thing for you and for others.

Another pause.

Staring at the screen and thinking absolutely nothing is also worth writing. Huh.

Yet another lonnggg pause.

^

Conclusion: Simply messed up in your mind.

Solution: Drive away, take a break – from everything.

Me: Why don’t I learn shooting? Or go play laser tag game or paintball maybe? :D