Torpid

She is at a point where thinking feels like a punishment to her. She was not exactly happy. She was not sad either. She was just okay.

But her mind is tired. Tired of thinking what went wrong. Tired of thing about all the Whys and Hows. Tired of thinking altogether. For once in her life, the moment she started to think about the whole thing, her mind went like "Shit Happens" and that's it.She had lost her job. She had lost her boyfriend. And there she was, lying on her bathroom floor waiting for a reason to get up. She wasn't crying. She was just lying there doing nothing. Not even thinking.

She thought she was going to get promoted but the recession caused her to lose her job. That one thing, till now, had been her source of distraction from the fights and shouting and finally the break up. But now, she had all the time in the world. Time to think. Time to contemplate.She was so tired of thinking that the moment she started to think, it made her sick in her stomach. Thought of her ex made her feel like someone was stabbing her with a fork. Not because she had started hating him but because he had now become a guy from her past. She had spent way too long a time with him to think of only herself. Alone. 

She took the path that every girl takes. She spoke to her friends about him. She spoke to them because it kept her from talking to him. At that point, talking about him seemed easier than talking to him. She spoke to them because when they cursed him, for a little time, it made her feel good about herself.

Sometimes she used to chat with her ex, whenever he texted first. The talked revolved him and his life. She never spoke to him about her feelings. Which was making her heart ache. For last 9 years, she had spoken only to him about her feelings. He had been there, to listen to her, to hug her and to wipe her tears. And now her heart was overflowing with feelings but he was not around.

She could have spoken to him but she chose not to. She could have told him how much she missed him, how much she missed holding his hands, lying in his arms quietly, watching him sleep. She could have told him how much she missed him. But telling him all that meant she would fall apart. Her job kept her busy so she had no time to fall apart. It kept her sane.

But now that her job was gone, she didn't know what to do.

Hours pass by. She still doesn't move or cry or think. And then with a jerk, she gets up. She walks upto her bed, switches on her laptop and starts finding herself a new job. She needs a distraction.Because she doesn't  have the strength to fall apart. She just does not have that much of strength.

Damaged

Remember all those photographs we took

I thought we were meant to be

But now, I can’t even look

Cuz you don’t mean a thing to me

You should have told me

Told me from the very start

It’s now that the truth I see

I’m alone with a broken heart

I’ve been feeling so lonely

And I’ve been so mad at myself

Thought that I was your only

Till you put me on the shelf and found somebody else

I could never think you would do that

I lost my track

I fell down, totally flat

On my back

You said you loved me

I always hummed that song

You said you’d never leave me

Maybe I just heard you wrong

But the pain is almost gone

And I don’t feel a thing anymore

Because you left me at the dawn

I had your answer when you walked out through the door

You threw everything away

I still can’t understand

But I’m not gonna wait another day

Another sight of you, I can’t stand

All there’s left to say, my faith is in shred

I dunno how I could never take a cue

And now, I’m damaged

Only because of you

F.I.N.E

Every moment you look at me

I fake a smile so you won't see

It's only in you, for the part

You’re the only one who can break my heart

I found the truth in your eyes

Then I found out it was just a lie

In you I had found a reason to repair

A broken part of me, of which you seemed to care

In a swift moment the reason was gone

All the hope was mercilessly torn

I remember that moment, that time and place

Trying to picture your lovely gentle face

Holding your face, I think about that last kiss  

I had a feeling which maybe I miss

It's been a while since you went away

I still remember that very day

I wish we could go back to how it was

Writing each other letters, "Just Because"

But then the things you said cross my mind

And how easily you made me blind

Just one word, that you never ‘wanted’

Its all on you where we’ve landed

God knows that I tried

But with that one word, every part of me cried

My whole body sank to ground

And my whole world was dead, all around

I started doubting myself

And everything that had happened with us, it wasn’t all by itself

There’s still not a lot that I can think, maybe nothing has sank

I go out of words, totally blank

There’s only so many ways you can express your feeling

I was never good at it, I am always reeling

Within me there’s a riot

So out of all the things, I choose to stay quiet.

shock. numb. wait. pain - You can't escape it

Some things in life, you can’t escape. Life is tough. People come and people go. Very few stay. Those who leave either affect us or they don’t. The ones, who do affect us, leave a long period of moaning behind them, for us to walk through.

You spend days, nights, hours, weeks, months wondering what went wrong. With you or with them. They leave you, and in an instance everything falls apart. Just one moment. One second. In that one second, you get a shock. Shock so unexpected, you feel numb. No thoughts come to your mind. Brain stops working, it doesn’t tell you how to react. So you don’t react. You wait, wait for your brain to give some message, some direction to react, but nothing happens. You try to instruct your eyes to shed some tears. But again, nothing. Numbness grips every cell in your body. You just wait and try to live your life. Days pass, you’re still numb. And you just wait.

And then one day, after weeks or months of waiting, numbness loosens its grip. That is when pain takes over. Excruciating pain.  That is when everything comes back, every single thing that shocked you, comes back to haunt you bringing with itself so much pain that every bone in your body feels it. Your brain feels it. And again, you wait for your brain to help you deal with the pain. But it doesn’t help, because brain’s itself in pain. And so, your heart is in pain. And then your stomach. And slowly, every single part of your body. Eyes start to feel it too. Then they shed tears.

Your mind is screwed up. It needs someone to comfort it, love it, to remove its anger on, to abuse and every possible thing. You try everything. But nothing helps. Nothing will.

You can’t escape it. Any part of it. You can try, do anything to skip the pain part, but nothing will help. You just can’t escape it. Because what made you numb affected you SO much. When someone gives up on you easily, specially when you've tried read hard to not give up on them. That affects you real bad. Nothing will be like before, it’ll either be better or worse. You can only hope it goes the former way.

I choose to suck it up

The wise men say, "treat people the way you want to be treated."
Well, sure I treat people the way I wanna be treated. Just somehow, I don't get treated back like that.

You can sit all day, wondering whats wrong, whether its you or the people that that doesn't happen. You wonder whether you missed something while you were always trying to cheer someone else up, lighten someone's mood at the stake of yours, tried everything. But maybe that wasn't enough. Maybe you missed something, maybe the fact that you tried wasn't good enough, for that someone else.

No matter what you do, people won't care about you or your mood or anything related to you if they don't want to. You can either sit and be sad over it. Or be mad at them and fight about it. Or try and live in denial for sometime or maybe longer time or maybe for forever.
But the fact is, nothing will change.

So, I choose to go with none. I choose to suck it up and live with it.

Now. Then is past.

You know the feeling of getting tired of trying to constantly make someone understand you?

Of forgiving them again and again only to realize, after every few days, that the good times were an illusion.

Feeling of making a complete fool out of you? The time when you're so fed up of even reacting to it?

THAT.

I wanna rewind few months and stay there. :| 

Because the heart is a black box.

The past recurs in the smell of burning sugar; hints of it linger in the sound of certain words; or it unexpectedly takes shape in the back of a stranger’s head. Worst of all are the thoughts that form in the silence of the night, when the truth is hardest to ignore and one’s own culpability is undeniable. Then regret consumes me, and I feel the bitterness rise in my throat. But, even in the worst moments, there is this consolation: that you, too, can never forget.

Because the heart is a black box.

Every conquest, loss or rejection leaves its trace. We love according to what the heart has been taught. We love in the shadow – sometimes benign, sometimes malevolent – of every disappointment, betrayal or fulfillment. We love – and no god can control the feeling or mitigate the consequences.

This is an extract from the book The Obscure Logic of the Heart by Priya Basil that touched me.

There is no such thing as Happily Ever After.

I read an article this morning about Photographer Dina Goldstein who captured the imperfect world of the perfect princess and the perfect doll. Her Barbie walks in on her cheating husband Ken, who she discovers, is gay. Snow White’s marriage is a nightmare as she manages four kids without help, and her Prince Charming turns out to be an out-of-work sloth and Rapunzel has cancer, undergoes chemotherapy and loses her lovely locks.

In today’s world, our world of dark realities is far more pertinent than a fairytale we grew up believing in. Our banal notions of expecting too much out of a person and a relationship ends up screwing things which we fail to realize, rather accept.

Your expectations are your own problem, no one elses.

Can't Sleep It Off :|

Selfish.

Mean.

Liar.

Think only about yourself.

Pretend.

Few words you would never expect to hear from a few people. But when you do, everything seems to fall apart.

Anger subsides, you get over the sadness, but when you get hurt and hurt that bad, it’s not at all easy to push it at the back of your mind, let alone forget about it or not think of it.

And even after all this; you still can’t get yourself to hate those people. You can’t even think ill of them. You start thinking that they might be as miserable as you are, they might also be going through hell thinking what all you might have said. As a result you start doubting yourself and your self respect takes a downtrip to hell.

Have you spent crying yourself to sleep because of me? Have you blamed yourself over and over again? Have you thought of anything about how miserable I am? Have you thought how am coping with my problems all alone because you asked me to deal with them myself? I guess not.

Then you start to think that even if you said the bad things, you did apologize and they were nowhere near to what you got to hear in return. Also, even if you did say equally bad things, you did apologize. But the apology never came from the other side. Had it come, you wouldn’t have missed if even if it was not genuine, because in between all the crap, you were just looking out for one apology to make yourself believe that you’re not making a complete fool out of you.

Everything was so much easier when you didn’t want anyone by your side, you didn’t want anybody to hug you and stay with you while you cried thinking about your fears or insecurities.

Maybe it should stay that way – without the willingness to share anything with anybody or get anyone’s hug.

Life is cruel at times, after all.

Tyndall Effect.

Ever wondered what exactly “right time” or “right place” or “right manner” is?

I do wonder about that. But lately, all I wonder about is what exactly a “right thought” is?

Maybe it’s something that makes you feel better or something that makes other person feel better or maybe it’s something totally random. But why do we wish to know which thought is right or which one is wrong? Isn’t life supposed to be easy where everything turns our right? Eventually it does. Maybe.

Thoughts know no boundary, they keep on spreading. When do we know we need to stop our thoughts so that they stay right? How do we know we’re right?

Anddddd I have absolutely no idea what am writing K

What do you do when you realize that the only person you care about is hurting because of you?

I guess, you let go.

Or not?

A pause.

It always comes down to expectations. They practically ruin every goddamn thing for you and for others.

Another pause.

Staring at the screen and thinking absolutely nothing is also worth writing. Huh.

Yet another lonnggg pause.

^

Conclusion: Simply messed up in your mind.

Solution: Drive away, take a break – from everything.

Me: Why don’t I learn shooting? Or go play laser tag game or paintball maybe? :D

River of words

I don't whether I should post it or not, 
but for the sake of originality in composition, I just cannot not post it.


The following is a sort of conversation.


A : I wouldn't have run away
I would have stayed near
If , just for once, you would have
seen in my eyes , the pain and the tear..
But now its useless to moan..
coz the heart's become a stone..
But the stone still has your insciption
And all it screams is your description.


B : I wish i could have stopped you
I wish you had stayed
If, just for once, you would have
Seen in my heart, the hurt and the fear ..
But now its useless to cry
Cuz you're heart's become a stone
there's no more energy left in me to explain
how much you think I dont, but I do see your pain.

A : U were not moved by anything much..
U never gave a damn as such...
and after trying like hell,
I realised,
its time to step back..
its time to pack...

B : you tried too hard,
the whole pyramid fell because of one card
what you realised,
wasnt how it was meant to be
but its your decision, your way to see
and it'll always ge respected,
though not appreciated

A : Yes I tried very hard..
To keep ma favourite card..
and at first I thought, I lost it to one petty move
bt I guess it was the card itself which alwys wntd to
disapprove..

B : you chose to assume,
complications always come when yew presume.
you never understood that card, time was needed
but you didnt give time to time and without weighing
your actions, positive outcomes yew pleaded

A : yes i was desperate
coz i couldn't tolerate
the time taken by u was way too long
i jst wanted u to carry u along
but u never understood ma fear of losing u
i was trying to find the person i felt for
bt u mistook me pushed me ashore!!


and it ended there.
After permission, I might just reveal the people involved. But assuming it won't be appreciated, I'll stay shush.



Maybe it hurts right now,
Maybe you're broken in pieces,
Maybe everything is falling apart,
Maybe you think you won't make it
But you will.
Hold on just a bit longer,
Fight just a bit harder
And I promise you the sun's gonna shine again soon.
- Anonymous

Without You

Without you, things were perfect in the past,
life was smooth like some magic was cast
then the clouds came, with them the heavy rain,
which poured down on me causing me pain
darkness descended around, like a cloak,
in little time, my mind felt a stroke
though ii survived what life had to extend,
no matter how worse it got, ii tried to fend
a not-so-good experience it might have been,
i'll learn from it, of that am very keen
having you with me, that memory i'll always behold,
it was a bad story, that'd always be told
life is getting back on track now,
how much happy ii find myself to be,makes me go, "wow"
the situation, in it, had a peculiar humor, 
But without you, things will be perfect in future .!

Prayer

I walked away, you walked away.
I fought, you fought.
I had ego issues, you had ego issues.
I got irritated, you got irritated.
I blamed you, you blamed me.
I didn't want to talk, you didn't wanna talk.

No matter what happened,
No matter where we are now,
No matter whatever happens in future,

I would always wish the best for you and
I would always want you to be happy.

:)