~ The day her heart changed ~

        

She was in high spirits to be giving the last exam of her high school. Little did she know that her spirits would die soon. She walked out of the gates, found her friends joking around. Surroundings were noisy, everyone busy deciding where they should party. And then she remembered. She had to confirm some news she had heard recently. Scrounging in crowd, she finally spotted her batch mate. With all the courage she could gather, she walked up to him, carefully chose her words and said, “I heard your brother isn’t well. Is everything all alright?” He could sense the tension lingering in the air but he instantly replied, “He’s good”.  That was when she knew she had to say it, so taking another deep breath she rephrased, “Is he  ...umm... suffering from  ...” and he knew what she was talking about. With her question hanging incompletely, he answered, “yes. But how do you know?”

She only heard him say ‘yes’ and rest of his words disappeared in thin air. Her mind went numb. She didn’t know what to say, how to react – to him, to her own self, to the situation. She just turned around and started walking. And before she knew, she was crossing her friends without hearing their continuous calls and in some time, she was home.  She rang the bell and her mother answered the door. There must have been something her mother had seen on her face that she didn’t say a word. She quietly went her room where she sat on her bed, staring blankly in air. She didn’t look up when her mother came to sit beside her.

Her mother wasn’t expecting her anytime soon, since she knew it was the last exam and it was positive that she would go out with her friends but there she was; her face looked scared. She put her arm around her daughter and her daughter suddenly cuddled in her arms and started crying. In between the loud sobs, she heard her say, “Kunal has blood cancer”.  And she said no more for she knew nothing could help her daughter other than crying. So, she let her do so.

Kunal was her senior. She became a good friend of his in a very short period of time. He was the sweetest guy she had ever seen, with a caring heart like no other. They became friends on a random day and had talked often since then. He had proposed to her but she never thought of him as more than a friend so they remained friends. But ever since he had proposed her, she started to feel a little bugged with his flirting and mostly because she knew she was hurting him every moment she talked to him. She knew it was difficult for him but she couldn’t do anything. She got irritated and often she ended up being rude to him; without any intention to do so. And that was why she was crying.

All day and the night that followed, she sat in her dark room and cried. She was angry with God for what he did to him. He didn’t deserve all that and on top of it, why had He made her go through all that. Knowing that she had hurt a dying heart killed her too. More than God, she was angry with herself.

The only time she had stopped crying was when her father entered her room. In a chat for less than few minutes, because also he knew nothing could help her, he told her to be strong and face the reality. He asked her to make best of the opportunity; now at least she knew the truth and she could, as a minimum, try to make upto him. Then he walked out, leaving her alone to deal with the situation.

She was angry, scared, sad, wounded and helpless at the same time. She cried herself to sleep and when she woke up next morning, she found Kunal waiting for her in the drawing room. She couldn’t gather the courage to face him but she had to. She had decided last night that she would be strong and she would do anything to keep him happy now. Her heart still aching, she pulled herself out of the bed, washed her face and sat in front of him. For a few minutes, there was deafening silence in the room. He was the one to speak, “how are you?” She couldn’t believe her ears; the guy who was suffering from a terminal disease is asking her how she was? She felt a lump in her throat and all she could do was to nod at his question. Another period of silence. And then, he finally talked.

“Please, don’t cry. I have come to terms in dealing with it and I don’t know how you got to know but I am glad I don’t have to hide it from you anymore. It’s saddening, I agree, but nothing can be done. Am living happily and that’s what I want from you to. I want you to be happy and cheerful like you always are. Don’t let this affect you in any way because I know you’ll always be with me, even when am irritating. And I want nothing more.” She sighed at that. She stood up and went to sit beside him. And for the first time she looked straight in his eyes. She could see fear in his eyes - fear of death, fear of losing his friends, fear of losing his family. She just sat there, staring at him for she had no words to say. So he continued, “Don’t worry. I am going through treatment and hopefully I’ll be fine one day. I want to stay happy and not waste any moment being sad so please, cheer up. Let’s not talk about this ever again and lead our lives normally.”

After sitting with her for few more hours, he left. She felt little better for all the things he had said but she still couldn’t believe; how can God create such a guy with a pure heart like that and not let him live? But like he said, nothing can be done. Accepting the harsh reality, she decided it was time she got up and continued with her life because that was the best she could do. From then on, she made sure that she told people how good they were, how lucky she was to have them in her life, and how lucky they were to have a good life. And from that very day, her view had changed.

Smile. :)

It's been a while since ii got down to pen down the thoughts like THIS. I've completely switched to writing poems now, which is a good thing, ii feel.
But still, ii dunno why ..at times ii feel that writing poems isn't helping much.

Life's been great lately. Not too much socialising, not too much of drama and chaos is life.

"The more you stay with yourself, the happier you get."

^ the quote made me fall in love with it. Only until ii started socialising again :P
I spent 3 months, not talking to friends much, trying to devote more time to studies. Not that I've been upset or anything, just been outta mood.

But recently, there's this guy ii talked to. Funnily enough, he said things that made me wonder about various things.

The first question - How can anyone judge a person in a very short span of time without knowing a thing about them ?

I never dared judging anyone, not even after knowing them for long. How could one possibly know what kinda person the other one is. It takes ages to figure out that. But yea, most of the people ii know of, don't take long in judging and they, themselves, on the other hand hate being judged.
People : /
ii wonder if i'll ever be able to understand the concept of expecting a LOT in return when yew have nothing to offer.


Second question - Why do people shut themselves out ?

After reading numerous novels & writings, ii know very well that shutting ourselves out causes more harm than anything else. But then again, does a human have any control over that ?
The ''experiences'' teach us to do things, to behave in ways that we've never thought of.
Shutting out doesn't seem much big of an effort, tbh.
All it needs is a little hurt, little hatred and loads of betrayal around. And in today's world, that doesn't seem that big a problem.
Friends don't give a second thought before spreading ugly rumors, loved one's don't take a second in taking them for granted, world doesn't take a second to puch them down, under the ground.
It hurts. Being betrayed by friends, lover, yourself. Even though yew don't lose faith in friendship and love, because there are a few people who have managed to keep the faith alive in yew, yew have certainly lost all hope in it's divine purity.
I have, atleast. And it's not a very good feeling, ii must say. You miss out on the joys of taking risks by trusting friends, falling in love, having fun.

Life is tough. Noone taught us anything about how to lead the life without being much affected by the betrayal. And betrayal, causes a person to shut themselves. It's noone's fault, as we realise but then, it's everyone's fault.
Taking a fall like, hundred times have made me come to a point where ii don't share much about my life. Talking about past doesn't make sense to me anymore. Talking about things that still hurt only makes yew weak & talking about things that don't matter anymore - and don't hurt - doesn't make sense. Then why not just let the past be ?

Still, when yew come across a new person, all you wanna is, their past. Why ? Probably becase it gives a new insight to that person or probably it's just a way of telling the person, 'that even though your past is of no business to me, just to keep up the conversation, ii don't mind listening to that crap as well.'
But ii don't want either of those to happen. I know my past is of noone's concern, hence ii don't talk about it. That makes me talk even less.
And my silence is often misjudged as my non-willingness to talk / attempt to shut myself out / not trusting / arrogance / attitude et al.
Maybe this way, other's are said to shut themselves out too.

In order to Listen, you need to be Silent. And when you listen, that's when yew truly get to know a person.
Silence may have aroused due to bad situations, but it's a part of me now, as it becomes a part of many other people. And silence, isn't bad.
It helps me analyse what's good & what's not. Though ii have to go a LONG way to discover more about it, but ii have already started.

Sometimes ii wish, life would have been little easier if ii hadn't been through so much. And even though when ii see people around myself, suffering a LOT ore than ii have, ii feel sad for them too. But also, ii feel proud, knowing that ii had an opportunity to get to know a person who went through a lot but still managed to emerge as a strong person. I guess it's time to be proud of myself too. Knowing that ii have not always been surrounded by the best of people, but ii managed to evolve myself, turn out to be a person ii can be proud of.

But still, ii don't share my insights. All I can say about the whole thing is,

When someone accuses yew of shutting yourself out and not interacting, you just think "sometimes, life brings you to such crossroads where yew feel smiling is easier than explaining what went wrong."

.The Final Goodbye.

As we walk out of the gate and for the last glimpse we turn,

we see the school building, become nostalgic and our stomachs churn

The flashbacks of the best time of our lives we get,

we leave this place, without any regret

In infant, when we were 2.5 feet tall,

breakage of crayons seemed like a problem biggest of all

Growing over the alphabets A B and C,

we learnt there were other things beyond crayons, that we had to foresee

Junior year was when we saw the major ups and downs,

we acquired the reasons for our little frowns

As emotions like curiosity, jealousy, stupidity, stress, anxiety seemed true,

and many more countless feelings that we could never construe

The idiotic fights we had, when our egos clashed,

we saw our desires of being with the 'hottie' getting smashed

The stupid stuff we said,

and how we watched the lies spread 

As the 'popular' ones got all the attention,

the funkier ones got the detention

The seemingly endless fun we had, making fun of peers and teachers who taught,

without a reason, many a times among ourselves we fought



As we walk out ..!

The lonesome time we spent,

when the 'true' friends betrayed, our trust took a dent

Dealing with the pain, we pulled ourselves together,

learnt that not everyone can be our friend forever

Then senior year was where things really matter,

we've built so many bonds just to watch them shatter.

As we walk down the abandoned corridors,

we realize we are strong enough to be our own anchors

And in front of us, an empty school building stands,

life turned out exactly opposite to what we had planned

Just a black cap and gown and a football field to cross,

some friendships to keep and some at a loss

And so we leave this place, some good and some bad memories we keep,

towards the life, we take a huge leap

As we go down the path of our design,

memories of the past fourteen years will intertwine

It’s the end of one road and the start of a new one,

fourteen long years, can’t believe that we're done

Don't hold back the tears, feel free to cry,

It is after all, our final goodbye ..

2010, Another Year Passed

A random question my mind asked
as the year 2010 has almost passed
if ii get a chance to go back and change
what in my past would ii want in exchange                                 


I think and think and think
with ugly moments my mind is occupied upto the brink
ii think about the times ii lied
times when not upto my potential ii tried


When ii sat back and simply cursed
my life, my fate - in complete darkness it was immersed
the times when ii hurt my closed ones
the times when ii was hurt in many turns


I think if its only in year 2010 that ii made mistakes
But then ii realise, it my whole life, last 18 years, that ii never had what it takes
I failed to be good daughter, a good student, a good sister, a good friend
lots of disappointments my close ones had to fend,in frustration all ii did was to offend


And amidst all the bad times, ii also think about when
ii was happy and cheerful, life was good then, that was the time
when ii had committed no crime

I see myself in mirror and smile                                                                    
maybe it was for best what happened because today ii am docile
it were the hard times, the bad moments, the failures that made me strong
to life's challenges, ii became sharp like a prong


Through the hardships,ii evolved to became strong and ii felt my confident profuse
As the 2010 passed, ii felt a fresh aura diffuse
into the ambiance
my tears evaporated with a dulcet incense


Another year of my life that passed, wasn't so bad after all
out of the bed, ii decide to crawl
looking at the twinkling stars, standing under the starry night
ii decide to hold my faith up tight


A sigh escapes my mouth
the bad thought, ii feel went for south
As the year 2010 passed, a random answer to a random question ii found
ii saw a new sun, the ray of hope and ii heard my heart pounding with a happy sound !

| Infatuation |

 

A giggle escapes my teeth,

when ii think about the fluttering butterflies, my stomach seethe           

Across the hall, ii see him chatting

talking to his friends, they're happily patting

An urge runs down my spine

to keep staring at him, the guy who's a sparkling shine

Captivated by the unknown factor

there's not a word to him ii wanna utter

I don't feel like giving up, i know i'vnt wasted my time

not wasted it believing, he could ever be mine

It's not a case of a friendship turned into love

so there's no chance of a heartbreak, not any dying dove

Thats why ii don't fear,

to keep gazing at him, ii know there won't be any tear

For a person like me, an extrovert

these sensations are new, as into words my thoughts instantly convert

To him, my feelings, ii don't share

he's a popular guy, who wouldn't care

Because ii know I'm not "higher class"

i'm something he would just surpass

This thought might get me disturbed,

but knowing that ii ain't making any effort, my emotions aren't perturbed

Somehow ii don't repent that ii aint making an attempt 

it's the gazing with which my heart is contempt

Coz with a try, there can be a friendship's creation

merely atm all ii want to experience, is a beautiful feeling called infatuation.  

                            

~ burial descends

It starts off with a *sigh,

followed by the emotions making me high

Sometimes, ii am speechless and there's emptiness in head,

and other times, its like the war of the dead

Its been so long, far too retentive,

our memories ii possess, but i've been so repulsive

No matter how much i deny,

ii have to agree that no one ever, that much made me cry

The way yew treated me, the way yew made me giggle,

the way we used to love and the way we used to fiddle

The endless talks we seemed to have, endless care we had

its those special moments together, that makes me even more sad

All day all night long, we used to talk and always doodle,

you were a gift in my life, yew were my poodle

Time seemed to stop when we were together, forever

ii wanted it to continue longer than EVER

But now ii know it was all cooked up in my mind,

because for yew, ii was just like the rest of the kind

I never meant anything to yew, the distance we travelled in unison,

in a matter of sometime, our friendship became your poison

Whenever ii listen to 'When you look me in the eye', ii cry,

tears don't seem to leave my lashes dry

Like sunshine in the rain, yew made my whole world fall apart,

yew have a life now, of which ii am no part

Ever since yew left, my life has been dark,

ii am devoid of love and with it the spark

Your love was like the rain on my earth,

ii guess like the drying seas, time yew had for me was always in dearth

In the depths of darkness, ii submerge

cz nothing seems right, now nothing can converge

God knows, every drop of water that fell from my eye was like a golden tear,

cz only yew had the light to make my darkness disappear

Since now ii don't have yew in my life, not the light,

grimness never leaves me, its grip is increasingly tight

I thought we were very close, that's all ii could ever perceive,

repugnant as it might be, ii guess it's time for me to believe

even if ii said the right thing, if ii said the wrong,

no matter what ii do, yew will always be gone

I took a fall, my heart did break,

it was a huge one, trusting yew was a mistake

But anything ii say or anyway ii behave,

ii know it only irrirates yew, its my absence for which yew crave
To see yew smile, ii bury my feelings deep 

as this cold night falls, ii pull the blanket of silence over me and drift to sleep.

Fainted Paint ~

Your face, a perfect painting        

 

sadly in my memory, itz fainting                           
But back in my subconscious mind
its held in a piece totally bind
You were the silly, mature and honest guy
who held me tight when I needed to cry
You were the smile on my face
that's now faded away, to my amaze
You used to be my shadow
everywhere in love, you used to follow
As your no longer around
I don't understand why am profound
You come and go so fast
like a wind, over and past
the stabbing pain remains, against the grain
Because I know you'll come back, to leave me again