There wasn’t a waking moment when she forgot. Or forgave. The
unexpectedness of his decision to leave her was what she couldn’t get over. No signs.
No warnings. No hints. Nothing. Or if Rohit had been scattering them round, Aparna
had completely missed them. Sure they had had their squabbles but she
considered the stray storms perfectly normal.
For a person who didn’t forgive easily, she forgave
everything where Rohit was concerned, leading to an establishment of pattern
that suited them both. He erred – she forgave. It was taken for granted that
all differences were to be settled in just one way – his. And each time they
fought, it was Aparna who was left feeling rotten and vaguely guilty as though
the whole thing was somehow her fault; that it was her intensity that came in
the way and spoilt everything; that it was she who expected too much; demanded
too much; that men weren’t supposed to be a hundred per cent honest or sincere;
that it was unrealistic of her to hope that from Rohit. Wives, she often heard,
were better off being somewhat indifferent. Husbands preferred to have an
obsessive interest in their lives. Curiosity. Questions. Learn to overlook
details, she was told. Don’t pry. Block out. Ignore. She’d tried. Trained herself
to keep quiet even when it killed her.
One morning, Rohit asked for his usual coffee and while she
showered, he casually packed. When she emerged from bathroom, she found him
dressed and ready to leave. She towel dried herself and asked unsuspectingly, ‘going
somewhere?’
‘Yes,’ he replied, lighting his ciggie.
‘You didn’t tell me. Baroda again?’ she continued.
‘Yes,’ he said coolly.
‘How long?’ she asked looking for something in her wardrobe
to match her dress.
‘For good,’ he replied picking up his bag.
She turned out, jokingly threw her towel at him and
continued, ‘Ha Ha! Like its that easy.’
‘It is,’ he said ducking. ‘Watch me while I leave.’
And with those words he’d picked up his Samsonite and walked
out of her life. No explanations. No apologies.
Rohit was a selfish
man. She knew that before they were married. Selfish and vain. But Aparna
believed all the men to be the same. All the men she’d known were both selfish
and vain. Including her handsome father. It wasn’t Rohit’s self absorption that
bothered her as much as his ruthless streak. He had a grand design for his own
life – people either fitted into it or didn’t.
Aparna still seethed when she recalled that horrifying
moment. How foolish he’d made her feel. Oh God! How desperately small and
foolish. Years later, she still didn’t know why or where she’d failed. Yes, the
failure was hers. That’s what he’s managed to convey to her without saying a
thing.
- Snapshots by Shobha De.
